Working on a song

[Payton]

My friend Kyle and I are forming a band like Modest Mouse, only with a jazzier feel, and we both decided on a song to start out with. It's basically about our (or my, I haven't gotten full confirmation from Kyle) current state of apathy (for reasons that are obvious when you read the lyrics). This is what we've got right now:

Oh Mr. P and Mr. K were sharin' a j' one young summer day

And the sun broke into a sweat as the boys plucked a fret

Everything was good, everything was fine

You couldn't stop this dream of mine



Well many many nights went by

And time followed close behind

We're gonna lose this race stated Mr. K



But I was too naive

And I never let the time catch up to me

The hours turned to days as I turned gray

The summer day stayed young but the clock disagreed

Could you hear my pleas? Could you hear me?



You know what they say

That you can never escape your destiny

I guess mine just beat me to the grave

To be continued...



The song's heavy on the bass, w/ lots of popping noises, like the beginning such:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6zDfxZ4NcE



any comments? Critique?

 

[Nebulous's iconNebulous]

Nice start.

I cant really understand what its about though.

 

[Payton]

Nice start.

I cant really understand what its about though.

That was kind of an intended effect, so let me explain it like a story (since it's written to resemble one).



Two friends (Payton and Kyle, Mr. P and Mr. K) are smoking weed in the afternoon in the summer. It's in the forest (which isn't noted in the song, like other aspects) and it's really hot out. As the boys plucked a fret is supposed to be one of us playing the guitar. We're high, so it's a relaxed environment and things are generally good.



Days like this went by and responsibilities caught up to the two friends, and Kyle said to me to get out of the race with our dignity before we lost, because like a cocky, over confident racer we were challenging the flow of life thinking things could always be fine and dandy.



However I didn't change and things caught up to me, and reality set in, taking the color out of my life, as I tried to stay in the good times when things around me were changing for the worse. Eventually I realized where I'd turned wrong and called out for help, but no one was there.



The final 'broken' paragraph (not finished) is about how I threw my life away being a bum. I'll add more to this.



Most of this is true, except there's still time to change and stop being so apathetic and lazy.

 

[Corleone]

Sounds great, and your explanation of the song really builds onto the purpose and true sincerity in your lyrics.

Keep up the good work! Hope it has a good ending though.

 

[Payton]

This is what I've added since last time.

Oh Mr. P and Mr. K were sharin' a j' one young summer day

And the sun broke into a sweat as the boys plucked a fret

Everything was good, everything was fine

You couldn't stop this dream of mine



Well many many nights went by

And time followed close behind

We're gonna lose this race stated Mr. K



But I was too naive

And I never let the time catch up to me

The hours turned to days as I turned gray

The summer day stayed young but the clock disagreed

Could you hear my pleas? Could you hear me?



You know what they say

That you can never escape your destiny

I guess mine just beat me to the grave



So I guess I'll just light up and lighten my mind

Ease this growing pain of mine

If I decide to break away

I know I can't bring back the happier days

But anywhere is better than here

Alone in the woods with you

Oh, could you hear my pleas?

Will you help me?

Any comments? Personally I like it, and I've broadened the song to more than just drugs. Of course I need more than just my opinion.