Adult Children: Dealing with Second-hand Domestic Abuse

[Dee]

So my mom is in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage, and yesterday her husband left and didn't tell her where he was going. We found out today he just went to their other house at the beach, and it sounds like although he's cooled off a bit, he is still playing the victim when really my mother is the one being abused and victimized. However, this situation is a lot more complicated than it seems, and I have been learning a lot about how domestic violence works.

I won't get into specific details, but let's just say it's been happening a lot more--practically every day--for the last few years. And although I no longer live in the house and haven't lived there for ten years, I am still getting the brunt of what's going on. Just recently in September, my brother, his wife, and her child moved out of the house to go to another state. He was essentially the band-aid keeping the wound shut. This was by no means fair to him; however, it has allowed for this entire situation to come apart. And since I am so close to her, since she is only really willing to involve me and not an outside source, I am the only person willing to listen to her and try to give her advice.

This isn't working out for me, though. I am an emotional wreck. I feel like crying, throwing up, and panicking. In fact, I had a panic attack this morning, and it was horrible but I got through it. At this point, it's a matter of waiting. She has called her doctor in hopes of talking to a therapist. I hope she has called an attorney to discuss her situation and to find some legal advice, but she is scared and I don't know how to help her or how to help myself. She has unloaded all of this on me and I am trying to be strong for her, but I no longer know how to help.

Has anyone been through this situation before? If not, what do you think of the situation and my part in it? I am more than willing to be there for her, but it's just too much right now.

 

[identityissues8]

There's only one ything that can be done here, Dee. It's the hardest thing of all too, and I think we both know what it is.

She needs to dump his sorry ass, and not look back. And not buy into any of his emotional blackmail, or threats (all abusers do it, when they're losing their victim on their victim's terms - very common behaviour is suicide threats. He won't do it though, and IF he was to, his emotional instability is not your responsibility. Harsh, but true.)

Maybe, if it would be more comfortable for her, could you get some time of work and let her stay with you a while?

 

[Dee]

There's only one ything that can be done here, Dee. It's the hardest thing of all too, and I think we both know what it is.

She needs to dump his sorry ass, and not look back. And not buy into any of his emotional blackmail, or threats (all abusers do it, when they're losing their victim on their victim's terms - very common behaviour is suicide threats. He won't do it though, and IF he was to, his emotional instability is not your responsibility. Harsh, but true.)

Maybe, if it would be more comfortable for her, could you get some time of work and let her stay with you a while?

Trust me, I know what she needs to do, and she knows what she needs to do but for some reason there is something holding her back. I don't know exactly what it is, but she had made calls to a doctor in search of a therapist and calls to an attorney for legal advice. I don't know where it's going to take her or what she'll do with it, but I hope it helps. And obviously, I can't make her do anything. She has to be the one to take those steps.

 

[Nebulous]

I was a young child dealing with an abusive alcoholic father. He got violent with all of us (including my mom) several times over the years. Finally my mom worked up the courage to leave him and we moved 100 miles away in with my grandparents. Just the other day my grandma was going through old files & throwing out unnecessary ones. She came across a threatening/ angry letter my dad wrote 20 years ago. It went on about how my grandparents should mind their own business and stop trying to break up their (my mom & dad's) marriage. He probably wrote that while he was drunk btw. Things we're still tough after moving away from him but at least nobody was getting physically or emotionally abused anymore.

Not sure how to help you convince your mom to leave him. I think that's just something she'll need to decide for herself, hopefully before anything too bad happens.

 

[Dee]

Yeah, I don't know what to do either. I can't convince her to do anything she's not prepared to do. All I can do is be there for her and encourage her that she's doing the right things, and that I'm proud of her. She did contact a therapist, who called her but we missed her call. And she did contact an attorney, so I hope they both get back to her on Monday. They'll be able to give her much better advice and guidance than I can. Because right now, I am at a loss myself, and all I can do is watch her suffer, and that is terrible. I had a panic attack this morning it was so bad. It sucked.

 

[Nebulous]

Yeah, I don't know what to do either. I can't convince her to do anything she's not prepared to do. All I can do is be there for her and encourage her that she's doing the right things, and that I'm proud of her. She did contact a therapist, who called her but we missed her call. And she did contact an attorney, so I hope they both get back to her on Monday. They'll be able to give her much better advice and guidance than I can. Because right now, I am at a loss myself, and all I can do is watch her suffer, and that is terrible. I had a panic attack this morning it was so bad. It sucked.

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Dee]

Yeah, I don't know what to do either. I can't convince her to do anything she's not prepared to do. All I can do is be there for her and encourage her that she's doing the right things, and that I'm proud of her. She did contact a therapist, who called her but we missed her call. And she did contact an attorney, so I hope they both get back to her on Monday. They'll be able to give her much better advice and guidance than I can. Because right now, I am at a loss myself, and all I can do is watch her suffer, and that is terrible. I had a panic attack this morning it was so bad. It sucked.

Hope you feel better soon.

Me too. I can only imagine how she feels, compared to how I'm feeling. It's got to be ten thousand times worse. But it made me physically sick and panicky, and it sucks. I don't know how she's keeping it together.