So I just went to the bathroom. This was not a good idea.
So I open the door, and on the back wall I can see this black splotch. Can't really tell what it is as the light's off, so I turn it on and bam. A fucking spider about an inch long is sat there. Remember, it's almost 5AM, seeing that freaks me out. But I think okay calm down, it's a spider. An ugly one, but it's a spider. It's on the wall far away from the toilet. No big deal, ignore it and it'll ignore you. So I close the door and keep my eye on it, because I fucking hate big spiders.
Anywho, I hear this tapping noise. I thought it was my cat, as she seems to enjoy watching me go to the bathroom, so as I go to check the door my eyes drop to the floor and there's a giant (maybe 3 inches or so) spider running along. Now this fucking freaks me out because fuck it, it's moving, it's near my feet which means it's near ME which means it's going to kill me and lay eggs inside me and I'll become some kind of freakish arachnid concubine. So I let out this pitiful fucking eep noise and dash for the toilet roll because I'm not gonna squash it with my bare foot or some shit and get spider guts on me. Now I have toilet roll I'm prepared, I am a warrior. Tapping tapping tapping but it's gone.
Looking for it. I am not dropping my pants while some kinda creepy-ass thing like that's still roaming the room, I'm paranoid it'll act like a candiru and swim up my piss or something, so I'm looking everywhere. Notice two smaller ones, one on the door itself, and one kinda squeezing into the side of the door-frame. Squish, splat. They may be smaller but still. They're the same colour as the big one so they all have to die. I sound like a spider Hitler, but still. Toss the dead remains in the toilet bowl and go for more tissue paper.
There's one sat on it. Now comes a dilemma. I need the tissue paper in order to get rid of the spider, but I need to get rid of the spider before I get the tissue paper. Lack of clothing means I can't beat it with a sleeve or sock or anything. As a result, a towel. Slap it with the towel and grab more paper. Squish it, victory dance. There's only the big fucker left, and the one sat on the wall. Kill the one on the wall. Flush remains and continue the hunt. Looking looking looking
taptaptaptaptaptap
Watch the big one dash towards the sink. Fuck it, take the entire roll off the thing and throw it. SPLAT. But it wasn't a direct hit, oh no. I just broke some of its legs. Now it's just dragging itself along like a fucking zombie. WHY ARE SPIDERS WEIRD so reobtain the toilet roll and finish the job.
Notice the runt of the litter sat in the corner of the ceiling. It has just watched as I've killed its (seemingly) entire family. Grab toilet brush and smash it to pieces, because fuck the chance of it taking revenge on me at a later date. Then, and only then, do I scout the rest of the room. Check EVERY hiding place, every little crack, nook, cranny, hole, wedge.
Scariest thing ever is having all that happen and then still having to use the bathroom. The stark realisation that I'm taking a leak on a mass grave makes me feel strange. But again, fuck it. I was endangered, and I protected myself.
I don't want to sleep now. ._. I need a hug.
Worst part was I went in there ten minutes prior to this event unfolding and NOTHING WAS THERE. Fuck I hate how they just appear like that. Fucking voodoo magic or something, teleportation bullshit.
Wah. ._.
So I open the door, and on the back wall I can see this black splotch. Can't really tell what it is as the light's off, so I turn it on and bam. A fucking spider about an inch long is sat there. Remember, it's almost 5AM, seeing that freaks me out. But I think okay calm down, it's a spider. An ugly one, but it's a spider. It's on the wall far away from the toilet. No big deal, ignore it and it'll ignore you. So I close the door and keep my eye on it, because I fucking hate big spiders.
Anywho, I hear this tapping noise. I thought it was my cat, as she seems to enjoy watching me go to the bathroom, so as I go to check the door my eyes drop to the floor and there's a giant (maybe 3 inches or so) spider running along. Now this fucking freaks me out because fuck it, it's moving, it's near my feet which means it's near ME which means it's going to kill me and lay eggs inside me and I'll become some kind of freakish arachnid concubine. So I let out this pitiful fucking eep noise and dash for the toilet roll because I'm not gonna squash it with my bare foot or some shit and get spider guts on me. Now I have toilet roll I'm prepared, I am a warrior. Tapping tapping tapping but it's gone.
Looking for it. I am not dropping my pants while some kinda creepy-ass thing like that's still roaming the room, I'm paranoid it'll act like a candiru and swim up my piss or something, so I'm looking everywhere. Notice two smaller ones, one on the door itself, and one kinda squeezing into the side of the door-frame. Squish, splat. They may be smaller but still. They're the same colour as the big one so they all have to die. I sound like a spider Hitler, but still. Toss the dead remains in the toilet bowl and go for more tissue paper.
There's one sat on it. Now comes a dilemma. I need the tissue paper in order to get rid of the spider, but I need to get rid of the spider before I get the tissue paper. Lack of clothing means I can't beat it with a sleeve or sock or anything. As a result, a towel. Slap it with the towel and grab more paper. Squish it, victory dance. There's only the big fucker left, and the one sat on the wall. Kill the one on the wall. Flush remains and continue the hunt. Looking looking looking
taptaptaptaptaptap
Watch the big one dash towards the sink. Fuck it, take the entire roll off the thing and throw it. SPLAT. But it wasn't a direct hit, oh no. I just broke some of its legs. Now it's just dragging itself along like a fucking zombie. WHY ARE SPIDERS WEIRD so reobtain the toilet roll and finish the job.
Notice the runt of the litter sat in the corner of the ceiling. It has just watched as I've killed its (seemingly) entire family. Grab toilet brush and smash it to pieces, because fuck the chance of it taking revenge on me at a later date. Then, and only then, do I scout the rest of the room. Check EVERY hiding place, every little crack, nook, cranny, hole, wedge.
Scariest thing ever is having all that happen and then still having to use the bathroom. The stark realisation that I'm taking a leak on a mass grave makes me feel strange. But again, fuck it. I was endangered, and I protected myself.
I don't want to sleep now. ._. I need a hug.
Worst part was I went in there ten minutes prior to this event unfolding and NOTHING WAS THERE. Fuck I hate how they just appear like that. Fucking voodoo magic or something, teleportation bullshit.
Wah. ._.
