Have you ever received advice that you chose not to follow?

[ElegantAura]

Have you ever received advice that you chose not to follow, and did it make you reflect on how things might have been if you had followed it?

The best advice I got is never to share my problems with those who dislike me. Instead, put on a happy front, so they don't get the satisfaction of seeing what they want.
Lately, I've started doing that, and it actually works. If they see you happy, it can make them angrier.
I wish I had done that years ago.

 

[MrDawn]

When I was in high school, my mother would tell me not to do something and I'd do it anyway and get into a lot of trouble. I had to learn the hard way. As I got older I did start listening to her. Being almost 40, not everting she says is 100% though but I know she does try to give me good guidance.

 

[ElegantAura]

When I was in high school, my mother would tell me not to do something and I'd do it anyway and get into a lot of trouble. I had to learn the hard way. As I got older I did start listening to her. Being almost 40, not everting she says is 100% though but I know she does try to give me good guidance.

When someone cares about you, they genuinely think they're helping, even if it's not always the best advice.

 

[Crys]

Have you ever received advice that you chose not to follow, and did it make you reflect on how things might have been if you had followed it?

The best advice I got is never to share my problems with those who dislike me. Instead, put on a happy front, so they don't get the satisfaction of seeing what they want.
Lately, I've started doing that, and it actually works. If they see you happy, it can make them angrier.
I wish I had done that years ago.

Yes I have, from people that are not of my close-knit group and I honestly don't like them. The only reflection I found myself doing was why I even bothered to even listen to them in the first place because the "advice" would do more harm than good.

 

[~ True Legend ~]

Yes I have, from people that are not of my close-knit group and I honestly don't like them. The only reflection I found myself doing was why I even bothered to even listen to them in the first place because the "advice" would do more harm than good.

It annoys me when ppl give advice uncalled for and don’t pick up on the polite cues I give to respect my space. I’m not good at being direct in a polite way and something I try to work on to avoid getting resentful later down the road.

 

[Crys]

It annoys me when ppl give advice uncalled for and don’t pick up on the polite cues I give to respect my space. I’m not good at being direct in a polite way and something I try to work on to avoid getting resentful later down the road.

So true. I think those people believe they are trying to 'help' but it's not. I understand how you feel.

 

[~ True Legend ~]

So true. I think those people believe they are trying to 'help' but it's not. I understand how you feel.

I feel like at times by not respecting the person’s wishes and insisting, they’re being selfless to be selfish in a way of helping to make them feel better about themselves at the expense of the feelings of the person being helped.

Some may disagree and say I should appreciate the help given, which sure I do, but I’m more of an impact over intent person really. I’m a firm believer that once impact of someone’s behaviour is explained, they should respect the feelings and it annoys me when they justify it with their intent… down a never ending rabbit hole.

 

[Black Angel]

Yes, from my great aunts, and my father.

I'll try to make a long story short on this post.. but they opined that the only reason my husband and I were together for so long w/o a ring/marriage is because he isn't willing to "buy the cow, when he's getting the milk for free" and he is most definitely getting his "milk" elsewhere too.

My response to that was 3 words.

Consider the source.

First great aunt, got married basically while the wick on her 18th birthday candles were still warm. Her husband abused her as much as he cheated on her and then had his mistress there while she was in the hospital. They eventually divorced and she is still hoping for reconciliation one day. She also told me that I'm not a real woman until I have kids, and when I asked her how that worked out for her, and them, she went radio silent.

-------------------

Second great aunt, said the same, but this was also the same aunt that swore up an down that I would be getting pregnant every 9 months, just because my Mom put me on birth control at 14 (I was an athletic tomboy and my cycle was off, and by choice I was celibate until 18 and had moved out..) and she tried talking my mother out of doing so, and when that failed, she didn't want me around her daughters to "influence" them as she refused to consider it for them, and they were more active than their mother was at the time.

I know this because she was working 2 jobs and going to college to raise them as a single mom.. and she laid into me about the fact that most of my friends at the time were guys.. I was only a kid then, so I just said "Ok" (gotta "respect" the elders, no matter how hurtful and disrespectful they are to you, right?) and left it at that, while [metaphorically] my Mom threw down 14 Uno reverse cards. One for each grandchild that aunt ended up having before I even met and married my husband.

-------------------

My father, basically said the same as the first great aunt, but he had to be "extra" on this. Not only did he say something very similar to what my aunt had said, but on a disagreement on a hypothetical discussion about my future wedding plans, (which was really him picking a fight with me to run away because he promised to pay for our wedding in front of his latest girlfriend.. i.e. ear porn..) also said that "weddings are for virginal brides, and not for those who have been around the block, and for that reason, he was rescinding his offer to pay."

Mind you, this was in response to me flat out REFUSING to fly out to where he is, with my husband (then boyfriend) and getting married out there with just the 5 of us, with him, being the only parent present, and NONE of our families, friends or my siblings, and then flying us off to our honeymoon.

And the most he was willing to spend was $1,500.. but that wasn't the point. My parents have both personal friendships and business relationships with numerous people they've known for decades, who are very close to our family who own their own businesses and actually the very people they called whenever they had a big family get together over the decades they've known each other. I have been told by them that their services for me, for any event, would be free, and we are talking about 10s of thousands of dollars in goods and services here. My dress at the time, would have been about $500, which I could've covered with my own savings. So my dad's money probably wouldn't have been needed at all.

My husband is an only child, and even though that is the case, he is as close to my siblings as I am, even though I am related to them by blood and we actually grew up together, and you couldn't tell my parents that they didn't birth and raise him themselves. Both of our core families are based in New York and he and his parents both come from a large family, so if we were to do things that way, there would be more devastation than a funeral and I didn't want to start my marriage off by upsetting both of our families.

At any rate, in the near 23 years my husband and I have been together, my father has had at least 4 other wives aside from my Mom, 6 fiancées, and about a dozen girlfriends, et. al, while also still being married at the time. And while, my parent's personal life is NONE of my business aside from me wanting them to be happy, I did rip him a new one. I told him that he has a lot of nerve to be talking about my [platonic] friendship with a man I have known for a year longer than my boyfriend, given his track record with women.

I told him that the only thing that has been constant aside from my parent's support, was my relationship with my boyfriend.. and its hilariously ironic because each and every time he came to NY, he was introducing US to a different wife, fiance, girlfriend, etc. while everytime he visited, over that DECADE, I was with the SAME man and he had been doing this since before I met my boyfriend. I told him the only reason that we were together for so long, without thinking or talking about marriage, was because unlike him, marriage is something I take seriously, and I WASN'T READY.. and when it does happen, it'll happen when WE are ready, especially since, I didn't want to end up like him and the fact that I can count the number of dudes I've been with, on 1 hand, with fingers to spare, is pretty much a guarantee that I won't.

And considering the fact that my Mom has been with my Stepdad for as long as they have, and the fact that I have been able to maintain a platonic friendships with someone with the opposite sex, without ever having slept with them, means that I am on the right track.. and the fact that he hasn't in the time he's been on Earth, says a lot more about him than it does me. I said that, while I knew this "fight" was coming, and his generous offer was appreciated, that it really wasn't needed, and he could've easily backed out of it, as he had done with most things in my life, without gaslighting me and being as disrespectful as he was toward me. I told him that the only reason I knew this was coming is because it is the same shit he pulled when I was a kid.

He later apologized for what he said, and once again years later after I married my husband.

At any rate, these people are the reason I have always lived the by words, "if you can't be a good example, then you'll be a horrible warning" and they are the very reason why I tend to learn from their mistakes and those of others in general. So whenever they or anyone else has the uncontrollable urge to give me unsolicited [and factually bad] advice, I always say "consider the source."

 

[~ True Legend ~]

Yes, from my great aunts, and my father.

I'll try to make a long story short on this post.. but they opined that the only reason my husband and I were together for so long w/o a ring/marriage is because he isn't willing to "buy the cow, when he's getting the milk for free" and he is most definitely getting his "milk" elsewhere too.

My response to that was 3 words.

Consider the source.

First great aunt, got married basically while the wick on her 18th birthday candles were still warm. Her husband abused her as much as he cheated on her and then had his mistress there while she was in the hospital. They eventually divorced and she is still hoping for reconciliation one day. She also told me that I'm not a real woman until I have kids, and when I asked her how that worked out for her, and them, she went radio silent.

-------------------

Second great aunt, said the same, but this was also the same aunt that swore up an down that I would be getting pregnant every 9 months, just because my Mom put me on birth control at 14 (I was an athletic tomboy and my cycle was off, and by choice I was celibate until 18 and had moved out..) and she tried talking my mother out of doing so, and when that failed, she didn't want me around her daughters to "influence" them as she refused to consider it for them, and they were more active than their mother was at the time.

I know this because she was working 2 jobs and going to college to raise them as a single mom.. and she laid into me about the fact that most of my friends at the time were guys.. I was only a kid then, so I just said "Ok" (gotta "respect" the elders, no matter how hurtful and disrespectful they are to you, right?) and left it at that, while [metaphorically] my Mom threw down 14 Uno reverse cards. One for each grandchild that aunt ended up having before I even met and married my husband.

-------------------

My father, basically said the same as the first great aunt, but he had to be "extra" on this. Not only did he say something very similar to what my aunt had said, but on a disagreement on a hypothetical discussion about my future wedding plans, (which was really him picking a fight with me to run away because he promised to pay for our wedding in front of his latest girlfriend.. i.e. ear porn..) also said that "weddings are for virginal brides, and not for those who have been around the block, and for that reason, he was rescinding his offer to pay."

Mind you, this was in response to me flat out REFUSING to fly out to where he is, with my husband (then boyfriend) and getting married out there with just the 5 of us, with him, being the only parent present, and NONE of our families, friends or my siblings, and then flying us off to our honeymoon.

And the most he was willing to spend was $1,500.. but that wasn't the point. My parents have both personal friendships and business relationships with numerous people they've known for decades, who are very close to our family who own their own businesses and actually the very people they called whenever they had a big family get together over the decades they've known each other. I have been told by them that their services for me, for any event, would be free, and we are talking about 10s of thousands of dollars in goods and services here. My dress at the time, would have been about $500, which I could've covered with my own savings. So my dad's money probably wouldn't have been needed at all.

My husband is an only child, and even though that is the case, he is as close to my siblings as I am, even though I am related to them by blood and we actually grew up together, and you couldn't tell my parents that they didn't birth and raise him themselves. Both of our core families are based in New York and he and his parents both come from a large family, so if we were to do things that way, there would be more devastation than a funeral and I didn't want to start my marriage off by upsetting both of our families.

At any rate, in the near 23 years my husband and I have been together, my father has had at least 4 other wives aside from my Mom, 6 fiancées, and about a dozen girlfriends, et. al, while also still being married at the time. And while, my parent's personal life is NONE of my business aside from me wanting them to be happy, I did rip him a new one. I told him that he has a lot of nerve to be talking about my [platonic] friendship with a man I have known for a year longer than my boyfriend, given his track record with women.

I told him that the only thing that has been constant aside from my parent's support, was my relationship with my boyfriend.. and its hilariously ironic because each and every time he came to NY, he was introducing US to a different wife, fiance, girlfriend, etc. while everytime he visited, over that DECADE, I was with the SAME man and he had been doing this since before I met my boyfriend. I told him the only reason that we were together for so long, without thinking or talking about marriage, was because unlike him, marriage is something I take seriously, and I WASN'T READY.. and when it does happen, it'll happen when WE are ready, especially since, I didn't want to end up like him and the fact that I can count the number of dudes I've been with, on 1 hand, with fingers to spare, is pretty much a guarantee that I won't.

And considering the fact that my Mom has been with my Stepdad for as long as they have, and the fact that I have been able to maintain a platonic friendships with someone with the opposite sex, without ever having slept with them, means that I am on the right track.. and the fact that he hasn't in the time he's been on Earth, says a lot more about him than it does me. I said that, while I knew this "fight" was coming, and his generous offer was appreciated, that it really wasn't needed, and he could've easily backed out of it, as he had done with most things in my life, without gaslighting me and being as disrespectful as he was toward me. I told him that the only reason I knew this was coming is because it is the same shit he pulled when I was a kid.

He later apologized for what he said, and once again years later after I married my husband.

At any rate, these people are the reason I have always lived the by words, "if you can't be a good example, then you'll be a horrible warning" and they are the very reason why I tend to learn from their mistakes and those of others in general. So whenever they or anyone else has the uncontrollable urge to give me unsolicited [and factually bad] advice, I always say "consider the source."

Thanks for sharing!
I really don’t like this thing about respecting your elders where respect means agreeing with everything they say.
Parents are basically teaching their kids not to stand up for themselves if they’re being treated unfairly by their manager during employment as adults, just because the manager has more authority. Sure the manager has more authority, but employees also have rights.

Similarly children should be encouraged to speak up when they disagree with those older than them. It’s good to teach how to disagree respectfully from a younger age so they grow up to be respectfully assertive while empathetic adults including towards those in authority.

Also thanks for sharing your story, that’d make me angry too! You know how the saying goes… ppl often criticise others for what they don’t like about themselves.

 

[Black Angel]

I completely agree with you.. though the parenthetical note about respecting my elders, was sarcasm.. and also my Mom was the one that spoke to her about my being put on birth control and shd laid into my aunt about what she said to me. So I didn't need to say anything other than "Ok" but at the same time, I was still gracious whenever I saw her after that point, especially since my cousin was pregnant at the time and she didn't find out until much later.

And my parents and brother were much more pissed off about what my father said than I was.. but I only got pissed off and laid into him when he spoke about my parents and boyfriend.. and I was not going to let him disrespect them. I will say that our wedding do over, will be lit though.

 

[riseabovethis]

Yes, from my great aunts, and my father.

I'll try to make a long story short on this post.. but they opined that the only reason my husband and I were together for so long w/o a ring/marriage is because he isn't willing to "buy the cow, when he's getting the milk for free" and he is most definitely getting his "milk" elsewhere too.

My response to that was 3 words.

Consider the source.

First great aunt, got married basically while the wick on her 18th birthday candles were still warm. Her husband abused her as much as he cheated on her and then had his mistress there while she was in the hospital. They eventually divorced and she is still hoping for reconciliation one day. She also told me that I'm not a real woman until I have kids, and when I asked her how that worked out for her, and them, she went radio silent.

-------------------

Second great aunt, said the same, but this was also the same aunt that swore up an down that I would be getting pregnant every 9 months, just because my Mom put me on birth control at 14 (I was an athletic tomboy and my cycle was off, and by choice I was celibate until 18 and had moved out..) and she tried talking my mother out of doing so, and when that failed, she didn't want me around her daughters to "influence" them as she refused to consider it for them, and they were more active than their mother was at the time.

I know this because she was working 2 jobs and going to college to raise them as a single mom.. and she laid into me about the fact that most of my friends at the time were guys.. I was only a kid then, so I just said "Ok" (gotta "respect" the elders, no matter how hurtful and disrespectful they are to you, right?) and left it at that, while [metaphorically] my Mom threw down 14 Uno reverse cards. One for each grandchild that aunt ended up having before I even met and married my husband.

-------------------

My father, basically said the same as the first great aunt, but he had to be "extra" on this. Not only did he say something very similar to what my aunt had said, but on a disagreement on a hypothetical discussion about my future wedding plans, (which was really him picking a fight with me to run away because he promised to pay for our wedding in front of his latest girlfriend.. i.e. ear porn..) also said that "weddings are for virginal brides, and not for those who have been around the block, and for that reason, he was rescinding his offer to pay."

Mind you, this was in response to me flat out REFUSING to fly out to where he is, with my husband (then boyfriend) and getting married out there with just the 5 of us, with him, being the only parent present, and NONE of our families, friends or my siblings, and then flying us off to our honeymoon.

And the most he was willing to spend was $1,500.. but that wasn't the point. My parents have both personal friendships and business relationships with numerous people they've known for decades, who are very close to our family who own their own businesses and actually the very people they called whenever they had a big family get together over the decades they've known each other. I have been told by them that their services for me, for any event, would be free, and we are talking about 10s of thousands of dollars in goods and services here. My dress at the time, would have been about $500, which I could've covered with my own savings. So my dad's money probably wouldn't have been needed at all.

My husband is an only child, and even though that is the case, he is as close to my siblings as I am, even though I am related to them by blood and we actually grew up together, and you couldn't tell my parents that they didn't birth and raise him themselves. Both of our core families are based in New York and he and his parents both come from a large family, so if we were to do things that way, there would be more devastation than a funeral and I didn't want to start my marriage off by upsetting both of our families.

At any rate, in the near 23 years my husband and I have been together, my father has had at least 4 other wives aside from my Mom, 6 fiancées, and about a dozen girlfriends, et. al, while also still being married at the time. And while, my parent's personal life is NONE of my business aside from me wanting them to be happy, I did rip him a new one. I told him that he has a lot of nerve to be talking about my [platonic] friendship with a man I have known for a year longer than my boyfriend, given his track record with women.

I told him that the only thing that has been constant aside from my parent's support, was my relationship with my boyfriend.. and its hilariously ironic because each and every time he came to NY, he was introducing US to a different wife, fiance, girlfriend, etc. while everytime he visited, over that DECADE, I was with the SAME man and he had been doing this since before I met my boyfriend. I told him the only reason that we were together for so long, without thinking or talking about marriage, was because unlike him, marriage is something I take seriously, and I WASN'T READY.. and when it does happen, it'll happen when WE are ready, especially since, I didn't want to end up like him and the fact that I can count the number of dudes I've been with, on 1 hand, with fingers to spare, is pretty much a guarantee that I won't.

And considering the fact that my Mom has been with my Stepdad for as long as they have, and the fact that I have been able to maintain a platonic friendships with someone with the opposite sex, without ever having slept with them, means that I am on the right track.. and the fact that he hasn't in the time he's been on Earth, says a lot more about him than it does me. I said that, while I knew this "fight" was coming, and his generous offer was appreciated, that it really wasn't needed, and he could've easily backed out of it, as he had done with most things in my life, without gaslighting me and being as disrespectful as he was toward me. I told him that the only reason I knew this was coming is because it is the same shit he pulled when I was a kid.

He later apologized for what he said, and once again years later after I married my husband.

At any rate, these people are the reason I have always lived the by words, "if you can't be a good example, then you'll be a horrible warning" and they are the very reason why I tend to learn from their mistakes and those of others in general. So whenever they or anyone else has the uncontrollable urge to give me unsolicited [and factually bad] advice, I always say "consider the source."

What I see in your post is societal norms as in changes between generations. Would you care to share the years your great aunts and father were born? As for the post being to long. A long post gives more detail.

Yes. @Sandy told me to take a long walk off a short pier. When I got to the end of the pier I realised a long walk wouldn't work too well.

 

[ElegantAura]

Yes. @Sandy told me to take a long walk off a short pier. When I got to the end of the pier I realised a long walk wouldn't work too well.

I've never heard of 'short pier' had to look what it was

 

[riseabovethis]

I've never heard of 'short pier' had to look what it was

here in Canada we learned that as kids over 55 years ago

 

[passenger]

here in Canada we learned that as kids over 55 years ago

Down South we called them wharfs, y'all.

 

[ElegantAura]

here in Canada we learned that as kids over 55 years ago

Down South we called them wharfs, y'all.

Both are funny

 

[riseabovethis]

Both are funny

I imagine there are quite a few words and phrases you use in Australia we wouldn't have a clue what you meant.

 

[ElegantAura]

I imagine there are quite a few words and phrases you use in Australia we wouldn't have a clue what you meant.

true

 

[Scarlet Rose]

There have been plenty of times when I have been offered advice and I chose not to follow it. Depending on my relationship with the person, if I don't follow it and it blows up in my face, I will acknowledge to them that they were correct. I do sometimes reflect on advice years, or decades, later and wonder how things would have gone differently if I had followed it.