Thoughts on fake forgiveness?

[MrDawn]

In my experience, when the damage is done, it is done. I do believe forgiveness is a gift and not a right. But like some gifts, a person's forgiveness can be meaningless (like most apologies) depending on whomever you've crossed.

The people I've wronged or slightly wronged often do not accept my apology. Some will say that they do only to demonstrate that differently as if they never did forgive me in the first place. I've even had people take back their forgiveness because they still weren't over what was said or done. My mother for example, she's still pissed off at me for things I did when I was a little kid and still holds that against me to this day because I embarrassed her, but says she forgives me because of her religion.

I think forgiveness is truly for those who are mentally and emotionally ready to let it go, want to make amends, and to move on. I don't think the "forgive and let's keep reminding them that they fucked up everyday" is the way to go about it. If you're still hard up about it and just said the words but still aren't over it emotionally, than no, you haven't demonstrated that you did forgive them. Saying "I forgive you" does not make it so and doing it because of your religion or because someone told you should doesn't make saying the words legit.

Like an apology. Shouldn't the person passing forgiveness do so in a manner where it's honest and sincere?

 

[Nebulous]

I’m not one to hold grudges so forgiveness comes easy for me to provide in most situations.

If you did me wrong and care enough to apologize to me (even if you don’t mean it), I’ll probably forgive you. Of course it depends entirely on what the other person did to me how severe it was.

I think holding grudges and keeping that negative energy inside your head can be damaging. Being bitter and resentful towards others is a miserable existence and I want no part of it. It’s better to forgive people and move on with your life.

 

[passenger]

and care enough to apologize to me

I think that's a big key to the question; before forgiveness, the offender HAS to ask for forgiveness....not just carry on, sweep it under the rug, and play like 'whatever' did not happen. And....if the same or similar offenses keep happening then I have to think that the apology was not sincere. I think that insincerity 'erases' the forgiveness....in that case I can't trust that person.

 

[Nebulous]

I think that's a big key to the question; before forgiveness, the offender HAS to ask for forgiveness....not just carry on, sweep it under the run, and play like 'whatever' did not happen. And....if the same or similar offenses keep happening then I have to think that the apology was not sincere. I think that insincerity 'erases' the forgiveness....in that case I can't trust that person.

Makes sense. Sounds reasonable

 

[MrDawn]

Makes sense. Sounds reasonable

I think that's a big key to the question; before forgiveness, the offender HAS to ask for forgiveness....not just carry on, sweep it under the run, and play like 'whatever' did not happen. And....if the same or similar offenses keep happening then I have to think that the apology was not sincere. I think that insincerity 'erases' the forgiveness....in that case I can't trust that person.

My brother does that. He never thinks he's in the wrong and therefor never apologizes. My mother finally admitted the other day that he's a narcissist and a user after what he did to her in New York when they went on vacation. He milked her for every penny she had and then got mad at her when she finally said no and called him out on it. He quit talking to her for a month. After what he did, she told me she's never vacationing with her kids (him, me, and my sister) ever again. That she'll only vacation with her friends and her mom. I didn't think that was fair to me. She hasn't vacationed with me since June of 2009. I always pay for my vacations and rightly so. When my girlfriend and I went to Las Vegas with her family we paid for our own plane tickets, hotel room, food, and gambling money budget. I don't get a free ride like my asshole brother did.

 

[Nebulous]

My brother does that. He never thinks he's in the wrong and therefor never apologizes. My mother finally admitted the other day that he's a narcissist and a user after what he did to her in New York when they went on vacation. He milked her for every penny she had and then got mad at her when she finally said no and called him out on it. He quit talking to her for a month. After what he did, she told me she's never vacationing with her kids (him, me, and my sister) ever again. That she'll only vacation with her friends and her mom. I didn't think that was fair to me. She hasn't vacationed with me since June of 2009. I always pay for my vacations and rightly so. When my girlfriend and I went to Las Vegas with her family we paid for our own plane tickets, hotel room, food, and gambling money budget. I don't get a free ride like my asshole brother did.

Sorry he ruined vacations for your mom and her kids.

I've taken my daughter on one out-of-state vacation and we have another one coming up soon. She is very frugal and doesn't take advantage of my wallet at all. In fact whenever we go out to eat she is always trying to order the cheapest stuff on the menu because she doesn't want to be a burden. I have to talk her into getting something more expensive if thats what she really wants.

Her mom did that to her though. Her mom will bitch her out if she does anything that costs more than the bare minimum.

Recently we all went out to eat for my daughters birthday (me, my daughter, her mom & step-dad). I told them that I'd pay for me and my daughter. Mom & step-dad would pay for themselves. Told my daughter its her birthday so she can get whatever she wants. Appetizers, entrees, deserts, whatever she wanted.. go nuts! ...Her mom still nagged her about prices of things when she was talking about what she wanted to order. Her mom wasn't even paying for her food! ...and it was her birthday! I had to tell her mom to stop and that I was paying for it, then reassured my daughter to get whatever she wanted. Her mom kind of killed the vibe that day. Next year I'll just take my daughter out solo or maybe invite her friends to tag along too.

 

[Draconis]

Some things can't be forgiven. A long time ago, at one of my (stressful) jobs, the manager screamed at me in front of customers and employees about some BS. Then a co-worker, who I grew up with in my neighborhood, told me to never let someone do that again. Okay, cool, he has my back.

A few weeks later, I needed someone with a forklift license. I found my "friend" talking to a group of other co-workers. I politely asked him if he could get a special order from the back that was on a high shelf and required the forklift. He went freaking CRAZY, and hollered at me in my face, just like the manager.

I will never forgive him. And come to think of it, when we were kids, he was kind of an a**hole then too.

 

[dumbledorky]

Some things can't be forgiven as many have previously mentioned, i don't give forgiveness easy!!

you break my trust for example, you will never hear from me again.

 

[MrDawn]

Sorry he ruined vacations for your mom and her kids.

My mom has been dodging me on vacations since my last birthday in 2009. She brought up going somewhere a while back, I think she felt bad for backing out on me. She and I had plans to go to Nashville, TN after she got back from New York but my brother royally fucked that up. She also took my sister to New York who fought with my brother the entire time. I told her not this year because I have vacation planned with my girlfriend's family. I don't think I'm going to do vacations with my mother either. I don't trust her to go through with it anymore.

 

[Henrywrites]

I agree that forgiveness is not easy. It is something one should have some deep thoughts about before saying that they have forgiven the person. Saying you've let go while you still have that incident in your head is never a great way to live life.