WTF scenes from the bible?

[Nebulous]

What are the most WTF scenes from the bible?

 

[MrDawn]

If a man's testicles are crushed or his penis is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the LORD.- Deuteronomy 23:1

I guess I'm fucked and will see Hell for sure if I ever lose my man hood. Sadly....Jesus didn't appeal this at all in the New Testament.

 

[DrLeftover]

If a man's testicles are crushed or his penis is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the LORD.- Deuteronomy 23:1

I guess I'm fucked and will see Hell for sure if I ever lose my man hood. Sadly....Jesus didn't appeal this at all in the New Testament.

I guess you missed something:

Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

Matthew 19: 11 - 12 (NIV)

 

[MrDawn]

I guess you missed something:

Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

Matthew 19: 11 - 12 (NIV)

I stand corrected. I have no idea how I came to think that. Thanks for finding this.I think I need to start reading over this stuff again. Wouldn't hurt to jog my memory.  Thanks.  ^^

 

[DrLeftover]

You are very welcome, sir.


That's part of what I am and do.

It seems I did actually learn something along the way.

 

[DrLeftover]

Perhaps I can offer a couple:

1 Samuel 28 (NIV)

3 Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had mourned for him and buried him in his own town of Ramah. (King) Saul had expelled the mediums and spiritists from the land.

4 The Philistines assembled and came and set up camp at Shunem, while Saul gathered all Israel and set up camp at Gilboa. 5 When Saul saw the Philistine army, he was afraid; terror filled his heart. 6 He inquired of the Lord, but the Lord did not answer him by dreams or Urim or prophets. 7 Saul then said to his attendants, “Find me a woman who is a medium, so I may go and inquire of her.”

“There is one in Endor,” they said.

8 So Saul disguised himself, putting on other clothes, and at night he and two men went to the woman. “Consult a spirit for me,” he said, “and bring up for me the one I name.”

9 But the woman said to him, “Surely you know what Saul has done. He has cut off the mediums and spiritists from the land. Why have you set a trap for my life to bring about my death?”

10 Saul swore to her by the Lord, “As surely as the Lord lives, you will not be punished for this.”

11 Then the woman asked, “Whom shall I bring up for you?”

“Bring up Samuel,” he said.

12 When the woman saw Samuel, she cried out at the top of her voice and said to Saul, “Why have you deceived me? You are Saul!”

13 The king said to her, “Don’t be afraid. What do you see?”

The woman said, “I see a ghostly figure[a] coming up out of the earth.”

14 “What does he look like?” he asked.

“An old man wearing a robe is coming up,” she said.

Then Saul knew it was Samuel, and he bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground.

15 Samuel said to Saul, “Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?”

“I am in great distress,” Saul said. “The Philistines are fighting against me, and God has departed from me. He no longer answers me, either by prophets or by dreams. So I have called on you to tell me what to do.”

16 Samuel said, “Why do you consult me, now that the Lord has departed from you and become your enemy? 17 The Lord has done what he predicted through me. The Lord has torn the kingdom out of your hands and given it to one of your neighbors—to David. 18 Because you did not obey the Lord or carry out his fierce wrath against the Amalekites, the Lord has done this to you today. 19 The Lord will deliver both Israel and you into the hands of the Philistines, and tomorrow you and your sons will be with me. The Lord will also give the army of Israel into the hands of the Philistines.”

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Samuel+28&version=NIV

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Can I say here and now that I HATE the feature that combines posts.

This is a good example of where it is a "WTF" feature itself. These two SHOULD BE separate posts.

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How about incestuous rape in the Royal Household?

13 In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.

2 Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.

3 Now Amnon had an adviser named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. 4 He asked Amnon, “Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?”

Amnon said to him, “I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.”

5 “Go to bed and pretend to be ill,” Jonadab said. “When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.’”

6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.”

7 David sent word to Tamar at the palace: “Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.” 8 So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. 9 Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat.

“Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him. 10 Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. 11 But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.”

12 “No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. 13 What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” 14 But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.

15 Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”

16 “No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.”

But he refused to listen to her. 17 He called his personal servant and said, “Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.” 18 So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate[a] robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. 19 Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.

20 Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.

21 When King David heard all this, he was furious.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Samuel+13&version=NIV
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I was going to post another one, but I don't want to make a post so long that NOBODY will read it because the asshat thing will combine them all into one and not give me any choice.

 

[beowulf]

wtf bits?...starts on page one and ends on the last page

bits that stand out would be the building of the ark which was half the size of the titanic yet still managed to get two of every animal aboard, plus 8 people and enough supplies for a year!

how about Mark 16 Verses 17-18...it says that true believers can drink poison and be perfectly fine.....wish more would demonstrate this

 

[DrLeftover]

wtf bits?...starts on page one and ends on the last page

bits that stand out would be the building of the ark which was half the size of the titanic yet still managed to get two of every animal aboard, plus 8 people and enough supplies for a year!

 Sorry Wulf, but you missed part of the story of the ark.

And it isn't usually included in movies that base their scripts on the Nursery Story of "Noah and the ark" either.

There were only Two of each of the 'unclean' animals.

Of the 'clean' animals and birds, there were more:

The Lord then said to Noah, “Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation.  Take with you seven pairs of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and one pair of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate,  and also seven pairs of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth.  Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made.”

Genesis 7 : 1 - 4

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+7-9&version=NIV



This is not long after another reference some may find interesting in 6 : 4

The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%206&version=NIV


'Nephilim' is also translated as 'giants'.

 

[beowulf]

and you believe this bullshit???????????????  


how did the penguins manage to walk from the antartic to the middle east in time?

 

[mrldii]

In this context, The Bible starts with a "WTF" moment and descends from there. Adam and Eve were THE first people and gave birth to two sons. Later, Cain and Abel went off a married and had children of their own.

WTF, WTF?!? Where'd those women come from?!?

Fortunately, I don't pay too much attention to the "WTF" moments of It or other literary works...just like I don't have to believe that pigs have masonry skills and the wolf has verbal language skills to grasp the moral of the story of The Three Little Pigs.

 

[DrLeftover]

and you believe this bullshit???????????????  


how did the penguins manage to walk from the antartic to the middle east in time?

In this context, The Bible starts with a "WTF" moment and descends from there.  Adam and Eve were THE first people and gave birth to two sons.  Later, Cain and Abel went off a married and had children of their own.

WTF, WTF?!?  Where'd those women come from?!?  

Fortunately, I don't pay too much attention to the "WTF" moments of It or other literary works...just like I don't have to believe that pigs have masonry skills and the wolf has verbal language skills to grasp the moral of the story of The Three Little Pigs.

It actually takes less of a leap of faith (pun? what pun?) to believe in the Uncaused First Cause speaking the Universe into existence than it does the Big Bang.

Also, most of the Mosaic texts are a written recording of at least two oral traditions that are MUCH older.

Plus you cannot discount the resemblance to other creation myths including the Epic of Gilgamesh.


As for the problem of where the 'wives' came from... I looked into that when I did a Mystery Series article on the legend of Lilith (Adam's First Wife), and came to the following conclusion:

Adam
      First, was there an "Adam"?

Well, it depends on what you mean. In the old language the word can be the proper name of a single individual, and so it has been taken since... since Adam. But it can also mean a group of people, literally a tribe who are more or less directly all related to each other, worship the same God, live in the same area, and so on.

     So, yeah, there may have well been An Adam, but there was also equally likely that there was a whole baseball team of Adams including the pitching coach and a spare first baseman.

http://themediadesk.com/files8/lilith.htm


Next?

 

[mrldii]

@ leftover:


You can place any spin on it you'd like, but the fact still remains The Bible indicates there were two original people (one of each sex) who begat two sons.

Again and still, I don't require facts and reality when being able to process the morals of pieces of art in the literary world; I'm a non-Christian (by Christians' own rules - go figure) and I understand the purpose of The Good Book better than most of bible-thumping Christians, themselves do.

 

[DrLeftover]

@ leftover:


You can place any spin on it you'd like, but the fact still remains The Bible indicates there were two original people (one of each sex) who begat two sons.

Again and still, I don't require facts and reality when being able to process the morals of pieces of art in the literary world;  I'm a non-Christian (by Christians' own rules - go figure) and I understand the purpose of The Good Book better than most of bible-thumping Christians, themselves do.

I agree with the moral argument and the understanding, or lack thereof, to a point.

But, they had Three named sons. Remember Seth? Who replaced Abel in the tale....


Genesis 5 from the same link above:

Adam was 130 years old when he fathered a son in his likeness, according to his image, and named him Seth.  Adam lived 800 years after the birth of Seth, and he fathered other sons and daughters.  So Adam’s life lasted 930 years; then he died.

 

[mrldii]

I agree with the moral argument and the understanding, or lack thereof, to a point.

But, they had Three named sons. Remember Seth? Who replaced Abel in the tale....


Genesis 5 from the same link above:

Adam was 130 years old when he fathered a son in his likeness, according to his image, and named him Seth.  Adam lived 800 years after the birth of Seth, and he fathered other sons and daughters.  So Adam’s life lasted 930 years; then he died.

The Bible takes literary license, all the while being an *accurate* depiction of historical events?!?

Say it isn't soooooooo!!!

 

[DrLeftover]

The accuracy of the Biblical account has always astonished academics.

For instance. The account of the sack of Babylon from Daniel? The famous "writing on the wall" scene?

It had been dismissed as a great story, but nothing more.

Well, several extra Biblical accounts were then found, including some from Babylon itself, that verified the prophets version of the story.

Wanna talk about ancient flood stories?

 

[mrldii]

Wanna talk about ancient flood stories?

Nope.  I'm all good with MY take on The Bible and its place in the universe.


Thanks for that *generous* offer, though.  

 

[Sinon]

The accuracy of the Biblical account has always astonished academics.

For instance. The account of the sack of Babylon from Daniel? The famous "writing on the wall" scene?

It had been dismissed as a great story, but nothing more.

Well, several extra Biblical accounts were then found, including some from Babylon itself, that verified the prophets version of the story.

Wanna talk about ancient flood stories?

The Sumerians had a flood story, didn't they?

 

[DrLeftover]

EVERYBODY, including the Navajo, the Japanese, the Hindu legends, etc, had a Flood story.

 

[beowulf]

how about Matthew 6:24 'thou shalt not serve God and money'

what went wrong there?.............tv evangilists that live a millionaire lifestyle funded by the sheep that follow him.................Roman Catholic Church, one of the richest organisations on the planet (and there is the hypocrisy of it all.....someone once worked out if the RC Church liquidised just 10% of its wealth it could irradicate poverty in Africa by introducing schools and health care.....but they dont......why is that?.....thought the word was help your fellow man?)

 

[DrLeftover]

That has Nothing to do with the Gospel, and everything to do with the weaknesses in the character of those operating down here amongst us.

Also from the same chapter of Matthew:

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

19 - 21


I think we know where the hearts are of those you were talking about.