Help Me Understand This

[Jazzy]

After a 15 month Long Distance Relationship (LDR) one day he just disappeared from my life. The emails stopped and all my calls to his cell phone went directly into voice mail. All emails I sent never received a response from him. This was a serious LDR to the point where he wanted me to be the mother of his children and we had fun naming the babies that we planned on having. I thought my life was finally coming together and I loved him so much that I thought my future with him was solid. That all changed when he up and ended all contact with me. We had no fight, no nothing that would (in my mind) make him do this to me.



What I cannot understand (maybe you guys can help me) is he has now started contacting me again. It only happens when it's a special occasion, like my birthday or a holiday. When he contacts me, he acts like everything is okay between us and nothing prior has happened. He tells me how much he loves me and just jabbers away like it's just an ordinary conversation like we used to have. When I respond to him, I get nothing back. When I call him, phone goes voice mail. I have told him several times since this happened that I have moved on with my life and have a new relationship now. Not sure if he's reading those emails or not.

WTF (sorry) can anyone help me understand what's going on?

 

[Rapunzel]

Oh hunny

Whichever way you look at it he's messing you around. He doesn't deserve you at all. You are WAY too good for him.



When he disappeared from your life then something must have occurred in his life to take all his attention. If he was serious about you then he would share it with you. The fact that he's not discussing it means he has something to hide. Usually that means his wife.



He contacts you and pretends all is well again but won't discuss it and then puts you on ignore. It sounds to me like you're his bit of fun while his 'other' life is screwing up around him. Whatever it is, if he's not involving you and if he is hiding stuff from you, then you don't want to get involved. You need to get out fast.



Also, if he treats you like this now, then he would treat you worse later. You don't need his lies and deceit and his cheating. It only leads to more heartache and pain.



You need to step back and look after yourself. Care for yourself, take time for yourself. And get rid of this loser once and for all. He's playing with your emotions and he's got an agenda. Dump him.



Once you're heart-whole again you can look for Mr. Right. Then you'll realise what a loser this guy is and what a lucky escape you had.



Big hugs to you sweetie.

@-->--->-- xxx

 

[Durandal]

Well, given what I've read, it already sounds like Jazzy is a few steps ahead of that, Rap.; Jazzy, without knowing the complete breadth of his contacts on these special occasions, I can only speculate, but perhaps he disappeared, but still wants to seem nice not for 'profit', but for just the sake of being a 'nice' person. It's certainly a bit of a twisted perception on his behalf, but some people are clueless. If he really was serious about an effort to even try to re-court you he'd probably be attempting to contact you more often. Or...he could be being very sarcastic in a twisted manner, but that would be stone cold for someone to do that...maybe he does perceives some mysterious slight against him?



...it seems you've moved on. I wouldn't waste any efforts on the fellow, it'll be just more frustration for you, with no real defined end to it. One thing I'd say is 15 months, while a significant investment - in a larger sense, is a rather short period of time to be certain about a future being set in stone.



All, in all...relationships are just damned tough; I've certainly had plenty of disappointment (or worse) in my experiences. I hope you can move on and find someone better that actually respects you.

 

[Flurry]

Oh hunny

Whichever way you look at it he's messing you around. He doesn't deserve you at all. You are WAY too good for him.



When he disappeared from your life then something must have occurred in his life to take all his attention. If he was serious about you then he would share it with you. The fact that he's not discussing it means he has something to hide. Usually that means his wife.



He contacts you and pretends all is well again but won't discuss it and then puts you on ignore. It sounds to me like you're his bit of fun while his 'other' life is screwing up around him. Whatever it is, if he's not involving you and if he is hiding stuff from you, then you don't want to get involved. You need to get out fast.



Also, if he treats you like this now, then he would treat you worse later. You don't need his lies and deceit and his cheating. It only leads to more heartache and pain.



You need to step back and look after yourself. Care for yourself, take time for yourself. And get rid of this loser once and for all. He's playing with your emotions and he's got an agenda. Dump him.



Once you're heart-whole again you can look for Mr. Right. Then you'll realise what a loser this guy is and what a lucky escape you had.



Big hugs to you sweetie.

@-->--->-- xxx

What she said, I agree with it. You also stated Jazzy that you are in a new relationship now. So what I would say is continue with that and ignore this creep who keeps doing this to you. No reason to let him win in any way.

 

[DrLeftover]

Let him go.



He found somebody else for awhile, it didn't work out, so now he's......

 

[Jazzy]

Let him go.



He found somebody else for awhile, it didn't work out, so now he's......

I have let him go Doc and am now in a new relationship. Just trying to make sense as to why he only contacts me on special occassions. All he said this time was Do you still think about me? What are you doing on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? What the heck would he care what I'm doing? I did not answer his questions and just deleted the message. If he was trying to get back in my life, I would think he'd be contacting me all the time and not just when it's a special occassion.

 

[beowulf]

serious question and you dont need to answer if its too personal or hurts too much



you say this is a LDR...........is it purely an 'online' relationship?................have you met him for real?............how far away does he live?



to me it sounds like hes had fun with you, got distracted, like someone else said either by the wife or someone else or real life problems, and now hes back just to jerk your chain just to wind you up..............one of those that likes messing with peoples heads just for their own amusement and thats why he picks on special occasions cos it plays on your mind even more



my advice if you 'have moved on'..............block him on msn or whatever messenger you use, delete his email address, delete his phone number and genuinly move on......chalk him up as one of those relationships that didnt work out and learn from the experience .....dont look back but focus on the future...you say you have a new relationship budding...you should be focussing on that, not one that deadended......i dont mean that to sound blunt and uncaring but your new guy is worth more than the one who let you down

 

[doenut]

Apologies for being a bit late to this thread. I'm not a guy (clearly), but I have a few theories.



Guys tend to be more pragmatic in their thinking and also live in the moment far more than women. It seems to me he stopped contacting you because he didn't need anything more from you at that point or felt that you could not give him anymore of whatever his payback was from the relationship.



I also think he contacts you on special occassions because at those times his need or want of payback [read: attention] from you is hightened. In other words in his mind its all about him.



As the others have said, it's better that you have moved on. The bottom line is that you can't control another person's perception of events or of relationships. Sometimes there is no outwardly rational reason attributable to you which determines another person's behaviour.



The above theories are gross generalisations and there are are always exceptions.

 

[Jazzy]

Just wanted to thank everyone who responded in this thread. The good news is that he did not try to contact me to wish me a happy new year. The bad news is that after a new six month relationship, the guy has decided that he's not ready for a serious relationship. He just wants to be friends and that's fine with me. At least we salvaged a frienship out of it.



I'm truly starting to believe that there is no guy out there for me. It's not like I'm out seeking one, they seem to find me. I must have a stamp on my head that says losers welcome that I just can't see.

Any way, thank you again everyone for your kind words and support you have given me.

 

[Durandal]

I'm truly starting to believe that there is no guy out there for me. It's not like I'm out seeking one, they seem to find me. I must have a stamp on my head that says losers welcome that I just can't see.

Ah, you went to the same tattoo shop that I went to, I see. I suffer from the mirror-image of such a problem...or at least when a good one comes along, she gets taken away...

 

[Jazzy]

@Durandal: Mine got taken away too but nobody can take away my memories. I don't dwell on my loss because I cannot bring him back. Every anniversary, I keep my self busy but take a few minutes to reflect on the good times. I found this poem and it helped me go on without him:



He is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone,

Or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.



Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.



You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,

You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back,

Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

 

[Flurry]

Just wanted to thank everyone who responded in this thread. The good news is that he did not try to contact me to wish me a happy new year. The bad news is that after a new six month relationship, the guy has decided that he's not ready for a serious relationship. He just wants to be friends and that's fine with me. At least we salvaged a frienship out of it.



I'm truly starting to believe that there is no guy out there for me. It's not like I'm out seeking one, they seem to find me. I must have a stamp on my head that says losers welcome that I just can't see.

Any way, thank you again everyone for your kind words and support you have given me.

Oh come on now, there is always someone out there for somebody!