Joke Contest - Make Me Laugh!!!

[Jazzy]

This joke contest is open to all members (staff included).

On Sunday, June 16, a poll will be created to vote for your favorite joke. Last day to vote is Saturday, June 21.

The winner will be announced on Saturday, June 22.

Rules

• You may submit up to two jokes
• Please keep your jokes clean
• Please keep your entries in one post and label them #1 and #2
• Members may NOT vote for themselves

The winner will receive $100 Off Topix Bucks and the joke award.

So, are you ready to......

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[Sinon]

1. Why couldn't Batman join the Avengers? He needed a permission slip from his parents.

 

[Jazzy]

#1 - Super Bowl Fart Scoring

A husband and his wife went to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the husband lets rip a fart. Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?" Husband says, "TOUCHDOWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!" A few minutes later the wife lets rip a scorcher fart. Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he accidently craps in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" Husband replies, "Now Halftime, switch sides."

#2 - Baked Beans

There was man who had a terrible passion for eating baked beans, but always got an embarrassing lively reaction. One day he met the girl of his dreams and they fell in love. He thought to himself "She'll never marry me so he gave up the baked beans he loved”. A few months later, his car broke down, called the wife and told her he would be late as he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. He figured he could walk off any ill affects. So all the way home he 'putt to the right and putted to the left'. His wife met him at the door excited. "Darling, I have the most wonderful dinner surprise for you!" She blindfolded him, and sat at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. Feeling another fart coming on, luckily the phone rang and his wife left the room to answer the phone. Seizing the moment, he not only lets out a loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg fart. He had a hard time breathing, so he grabbed napkin and fanned the air. Unfortunately another urge came on, and 'rrriiiipppp!'. Sounded like a diesel engine at high revs, and smelled even worse. Gagging, he tried fanning his arms, hoping the rotten smell would dissipate. He heard the phone goodbyes, so he neatly folded his napkin on his lap and he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked back in. Sorry for being so long dear, she asked “Did you peeked at the dinner”. Assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

[Bea Sunny (:]

#1.A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

#2.Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[DrLeftover]

"If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong."
-Nebulous Biden


(I thought about entering the first one on the source page, but the rule said "keep it clean" and while it is 'clean', the image it conjures up of our Veep, isn't.)

http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/Nebulousbiden/a/bidenisms.htm

 

[Evil Eye]

An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."