Joke Of The Month Contest Poll!

[Jazzy]

The Joke Of The Month award

will be issued to the member who has submitted the best joke voted by the members. Members will have until February 5th to cast their vote. On February 6th the winner will be announced.



Good luck everyone!

 

[Evil Eye]

Two Hunters​

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing anymore and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what?'​

 

[Jazzy]

Three women



Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom. The red head replies,If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top. The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, Then I'm gonna have puppies !



​

 

[Jazzy]

Baked Beans



Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.



One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.



Shortly after that they were married.



A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.



Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted.



By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.



His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight! She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.



Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.



While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.



He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.



While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.



Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, SURPRISE!!!



To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

[Fatal Dawn]

The skydiving bear

source: myself



So a skydiving instructor was standing at the airplane landing strip waiting for his protégé. He saw – of all things – a bear coming towards him. At first they both had their… hesitancies:



Instructor: (thinking) Oh gosh, not a bear with long teeth and sharp claws. This can’t end well…

Bear: (thinking) Oh gosh, not a 32-year-old man with face acne and cheap aftershave. This can’t end well…



Instructor: Hi you must be here to skydive?

Bear: Really? I thought we came all the way out in the middle of the desert with our parachutes and skydiving gear to start a barbecue.

Instructor: You know, aside from the Berenstains, I have never met a talking bear before. (chuckles nervously)

I’m not dreaming, right. I mean, last time I checked hell has not yet frozen over.

Bear: No sir, you are not dreaming. But if you want I can smack you across the face just to make sure.

Instructor: Well, hey you can never be too sure – it is 2012. (chuckles nervously)

Anyways, I will be your instructor.

Don’t worry; I am licensed, trained, and have performed quite a few jumps in my time – all of them successful.

Well, I guess if any of them were unsuccessful I wouldn’t be standing here in front of you in the first place.





Instructor: I do have to warn you. Skydiving is not simply like foraging in tress or curling yourself up for winter.

Bear: Is that all you think us bears do?

Instructor: Well that and make doo.

Bear: That’s more like it. We bears have had to make doo with whatever we can find. Whether it be berries, nuts, or the dozens of pounds of happy meals you Americans keep stashed in cars and head back to the forest to make doo with it. Sometimes making doo was hard. So before you criticize us bears for making doo, why don’t you try going out into the forest and see just how hard it is to make doo.

Instructor:

After a rocky start, the two nonetheless boarded the plane and as the plane was ascending the two continued towards the edge of the plane where they would make their jump. Now of course by this time the noise of the wind as the airplane doors opened made thing just a little harder to hear…



Bear: Okay, Now before I jump I want to make sure I have my bearings.

Instructor: No! Leave your bear rings behind on the plane.

Bear: You misunderstand. I said bearings not –– never mind…

Look, should I bend before making the jump or just lean forward?

Instructor: Lean, for what?

Bear: Because if I lean, the momentum of my body meets with little resistance against the surrounding drafts –

Instructor: No, I just didn’t hear the last part of your sentence. You said lean for-what?

Bear: Forward!

Instructor: Of course there’s no time for words! We need to make this jump.



Instructor: Okay, now during freefall you will wait at the right time to pull your cord –

Bear: Which cord do I pull first?

Instructor: The green one at the back.

Bear: I guess this is a bad time to tell you I’m colorblind.

Instructor: What?!

Bear: I thought you knew! We mostly rely on our superior sense of smell. What do you think we have these long snouts for?

Instructor: That’s what they’re used for? You mean it’s not a vacuum cleaner?

Bear: Seriously, have you taken any falls to the head?

Instructor: But that’s absurd! How do you drive, I mean the traffic lights…how did you even get here? How do you even know you are brown bear?!

Bear: Look do you really want to sit here exploring the mysteries of life –

Instructor: Okay, okay, just pull the left cord first. After the parachute opens brace yourself for landing.

Bear: Where will we be landing?

Instructor: On the ground, hopefully.

Bear: uhh…that’s not exactly what I mea–

Instructor: Meanwhile, once your parachute opens, firmly hold onto your shoulder straps with your bare hands.

Bear: Don’t you mean my bear hands? (chuckles)

(Silence)

Bear: Just some humor before the jump…

(thinking) this joke must be killing him speechless!



Instructor: (thinking) bear hands? I don’t get it?

Do bears have hands?

I thought they had paws? Bears certainly have claws.

Paws and claws – they both rhyme! What else rhymes with paws?

Cause? Saws? Laws?

Wait what were we talking about? Oh yeah, he was telling a joke. Bear hands….

I don’t get it…

I hate bear jokes.



Instructor: Okay well, that’s it. You’re ready to jump. Anything else you want to say before we jump?

Bear: (shakes head and chuckles to self)

Instructor: What’s up?

Bear: Oh nothing.

Just thinking to myself how em-bear-assing this whole experience has been from start to end. How this experience has become so un-bear-able. I literally can’t bear any of this craziness anymore and right now plummeting thousands of feet through the Earth’s atmosphere is starting to sound like the normal part of my day…

(Jumps out of airplane)

Instructor: (chuckles to self)

I love bear jokes…

 

[Nebulous's iconNebulous]

Ugliest Baby



A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 

[Nebulous's iconNebulous]

Young Blonde Woman



A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

[BeautifulAngel]

Bob​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1. Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She told him ​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Bob has been missing since Friday.​

Four Friends

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2. Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The second guy says: “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”​

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”​

 

[Fatal Dawn]

Fish in a tank



There's two fish in a tank...

One turns to the other and says

How on EARTH do you man this thing?!







source:.www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80770782/

 

[Dennis]

Joke of the Month #1: Mitt Romney

 

[Dennis]

Rabbit and a bear



[font=Verdana, Arial]Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, Goodie, three wishes! The frog then said, No, six wishes since there are two of you. They got even more excited.



[font=Verdana, Arial]The bear went first. I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me. POOF! His wish was granted.



[font=Verdana, Arial]Then it was the rabbit's turn. I wish for a racing bike helmet. POOF! His wish was granted.



[font=Verdana, Arial]The bear hesitated, then said, I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me. POOF! His wish was granted.



[font=Verdana, Arial]The rabbit already knew what he wanted, I wish for a motorcycle! POOF! His wish was granted.



[font=Verdana, Arial]The frog broke in and said, Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!



[font=Verdana, Arial]The bear said, Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me. POOF! His wish was granted.



[font=Verdana, Arial]The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on hi[font=Verdana, Arial]s motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, I wish the bear were gay.

 

[Evil Eye]

Voted

 

[Dennis]

voted

 

[Nebulous's iconNebulous]

[font=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif]

voted

 

[Jazzy]

Need some more voters in here!