[VOTE] Joke Contest - Make Me Laugh!!!

[Jazzy]

^ TIME TO VOTE!​

On Tuesday, April 8, a poll will be created to vote for your favorite joke.

The winner will be announced on Monday, April 14.

Voting Rules

• Please do not vote for yourself, vote will not be counted.
• Voting is only open to members registered on or before the contest participation end date, which was April 7, 2014.

The winner will receive $100 Off Topix Bucks and the joke award.

So, are you ready to......

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TIME TO VOTE, SCROLL UP AND VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE JOKE!

 

[Jazzy]

RE: Joke Contest - Make Me Laugh!!!

#1 Baked Bean Surprise

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

#2 Four Friends

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... what about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... you must be so disappointed."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

 

[Nebulous's iconNebulous]

RE: Joke Contest - Make Me Laugh!!!

#1

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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#2

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

[Evil Eye]

RE: Joke Contest - Make Me Laugh!!!

A classic:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing anymore and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what?'

 

[Cpt.Nemo]

RE: Joke Contest - Make Me Laugh!!!

#1,

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to indulge in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three, stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"

"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will not receive absolution!" said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, and I snorted coffee whitener...."

"Enough!" said the head abbot, enraged. "Those are evil sins, but I promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbot's instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. "What did you do last night?" demanded the head abbot.

"I can't say! It's much too evil!"

"The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!"

"Okay," agreed the second monk. "I had all manner of sex. I had sex with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora, my CD player..."

"Enough!" cried the head abbot. "That is a truly great sin. But I promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

"What," asks the head abbot, "did you do this evening?"

"No, head abbot, it's too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!"

"The agreement, monk! You must tell me!"

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. "All right, head abbot. Last night I...I..."

"Yes?"

"I pissed in the Holy Water."

#2,

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

[DrLeftover]

RE: Joke Contest - Make Me Laugh!!!

1.

You see, there was this guy that got paid one Friday afternoon and stopped at the local watering hole on his way home for a round or two. Well, as it so happens, two turned into nine, and a few games of pool, and some cards, and a spot of this and that with the local girls, and so on.

When the fellow finally drags himself in the door at midnight he is met by his wife who wanted to know where he'd been and what had happened to the 'butter and egg' money because all he has left of his week's pay was a handful of coins and a few single bills.

"You spent your entire paycheck in just a couple of hours! Do you know how long that money would have lasted me?"

"Well," says he, "you don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't gamble, and you've got your own pussy, it should last you damn near forever."


2.
You see, there's this retiring US Congressman from Virginia who has said publicly that $174,000 a year salary isn't enough for House members and they need a raise..... No, really, he said that.

http://www.wtop.com/120/3596224/Moran-174K-a-year-is-not-enough

 

[Icetex's iconIcetex]

RE: Joke Contest - Make Me Laugh!!!

#1 MineCraft
You when accdited to minecraft when leave light prevent monster from spawning
#2 Computer
You tried control+Z(undo) in real life

 

[DrLeftover]

I'll come back when I've got a few minutes and read them all, then I'll vote.

 

[Nebulous's iconNebulous]

Voted!

 

[Jazzy]

Voted!

 

[draco99]

Voted.

 

[DrLeftover]

So, three Off Topixites walk into a bar and the bartender says.....

 

[~KAGE-008]

Today's the last day to vote. If you haven't done it, this is your chance!

 

[DrLeftover]

And then three Off Topixites walk into a bar and the bartender says.....