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The X-Files ruined an entire generation: they made us think conspiracy theorists are sexy, tormented truth crusaders, as opposed to bored message board dwellers with cartoon pony avatars. Fortunately, every once in a while they'll come up with a theory so perfectly stupid that we just have to drop whatever we're doing and tell you about it. Here are five recent paranoid fantasies that would make Fox Mulder laugh his ass off while slowly backing away from whoever spouted them.
#5. "Apple Pay Is the Mark of the Beast!"
Over the last decade, Apple has acquired a legion of new followers, a success that many place on their clever marketing, innovative products, and not being Microsoft. Others argue that it's only because Lucifer has bewitched our minds and rendered us unable to buy anything not available on iTunes. The evidence of this satanic pact? The fact that the Apple Watch and Apple Pay were totally predicted by the Bible.
You may have thought Apple Pay's ability to let you pay for your cappuccinos without cash was a simple convenience, but nope -- the fact that you have to scan your fingerprint to use it was predicted by the Bible verse about the mark of the beast -- a demonic sign that goes on your right hand (the same place where you'd wear a watch) or your forehead (the same place where you'd wear a watch if you got confused). According to the Book of Revelation, anyone who doesn't have this mark won't be able to buy or sell ... or continue being alive, but people seem more freaked out about the "no service" part. Also, the Apple Watch will apparently send your body data to the Illuminati, because there's nothing more fascinating to the secret rulers of the world than how often you go to the bathroom.
Happily, we can confirm that the souls of iOS account holders everywhere are safe; this conspiracy has a habit of surfacing once every several years, with the arrival of the Antichrist so far being heralded by barcodes, microchips, WiFi, and -- of course -- Obamacare. At this rate, they'll probably have to resort to suggesting that, we don't know, Danny DeVito is the Antichrist, just to have new material to work with.
#4. "A One Direction Video Proves Danny DeVito Is the Antichrist!"
Huh. That was fast.
If you thought Danny DeVito appearing in a One Direction song was a sign of the end times, well, you're not alone -- lunatics everywhere are citing the music video for "Steal My Girl" as definite proof that the Illuminati are planning to destroy the Catholic Church (as opposed to "proof DeVito really needs money"). This septuagenarian YouTube vlogger goes over the damning evidence, but if you couldn't make it through that video without worrying about spite-embracing the glories of Satanism, here are some highlights: for starters, DeVito is shown eating an apple, which represents eating the Eucharist, which clearly means he's the Antichrist eating the church or something.
Second, the name of the video is "Steal My Girl," as in "Steal My Bride," as in "the bride of Christ" -- a rather creepy nickname for the Catholic Church. Also, DeVito first shows up riding in a car with a license plate containing three (non-sequential) sixes. It's like they want to get caught!
And if you're somehow still not convinced after all that: at one point, we see DeVito and one of the One Direction kids with a monkey, who specifically represents Darwinism, Satan, and possibly even Ebola, all at the same time.
If you have the time, we heartily recommend checking out this more in-depth list; however, if you can't bear to waste any more minutes of your life on this lunatic conspiracy, just remember that a) the Illuminati apparently signpost their crimes like an all-seeing, all-powerful version of The Riddler, and b) Justin Bieber never had to deal with any of this bullshit.
#3. "That Comet We Just Landed on Is the Remnants of an Alien Civilization!"
Shirt-related controversies aside, the fact that we managed to land a spacecraft on a moving comet in 2014 is an amazing achievement, but that's still not impressive enough for some people. Nope, according to some top minds in the field (read: "people still using Blogspot"), this whole expedition was actually carried out with another intention: exploring the alien civilization that lies in ruins on the comet's surface. Wait, a dead alien race? Oh shit, did we just land on a huge chunk of Kryptonite?
According to these asteroidiots (a nickname we just made up right now, believe it or not), their analysis of the comet's surface using Microsoft Paint yielded the discovery of a massive radio dish. Or a UFO. Or, like, a really weirdly shaped alien base. Whatever it is, it must have been capable of sending out the radio waves that NASA and the European Space Agency supposedly detected 20 years ago, which was the real reason behind this billion-dollar road trip. We know this thanks to an "anonymous ESA employee" who sent an email to various conspiracy theory sites explaining as much, also attaching these extremely revealing pre-Men-in-Black-censorship photos of the comet:
To be fair, we totally understand why NASA and ESA would avoid telling us about their mission to explore Spacehenge -- if we were in charge, we'd keep it quiet too, lest the Internet start making up ridiculous bullshit and eliciting a retaliatory laser strike from the aliens.
#2. "The iPhone 6 Gives You Ebola!"
Remember the days when satire wasn't just Internet shorthand for "fake stories specifically made up to trick dumb people on Facebook?" For example, take the guys over at Daily Buzz Live, whose idea of comedy is intentionally spawning a conspiracy that the iPhone 6 can infect you with Ebola.
According to DBL, over 21,000 cases of Ebola have been traced back to a shipment of iPhone 6 units made in Sierra Leone, a number that still isn't as depressing as the near-700,000 people who have shared this stupid bullshit. The article even provides tips for consumers on disinfecting their painful-death-causing phones -- because, you know, it's not like they want to create mass panic or anything. They also claim that "many of the iPhone's [sic] have been contaminated with bodily fluids of infected individuals who assembled the phones," which raises another scary prospect: are Sierra Leonean workers assembling our phones with their dicks?
Perhaps the most astonishing part, though, is that of the hundreds of thousands of people who shared this article, no one recognized that this whole story was ripped from an episode of The Simpsons.
Frankly, it seems ridiculous to debunk DickBait Live's article, because we can just point to the disclaimer declaring their website a truth-free zone. But just to be on the safe side, we'd still advise our readers to avoid using phones covered in someone else's bodily fluids.
#1. "Monster Energy Drink Is Made by Satan!"
Say what you will about Satan, but there's no doubt that the dude has a pretty high-stress job. After all, what with all the endless torture of sinners and people who completed the ice bucket challenge, it must get exhausting down there. However, one truth-seeker has worked out how he manages to have it all: energy drinks. Specifically, Monster.
In a video currently sitting at damn near 8 million views, this concerned lady points out that if you hunt down a can of Monster Energy Drink and a Hebrew dictionary, you can clearly observe how the claw marks kinda-sorta resemble the old Jewish symbol for the number 6. There are three of those marks on the front of each can, so this means that people everywhere are staying up all night by drinking what might very well be Lucifer's piss. Another implication of this theory is that Satan went through the trouble of disguising the 666 on his product to fool Christians, but when it came time to pick a name, he just said, "Fuck it, go with Monster."
As further proof of the demonic conspiracy to enslave the population into Danny DeVitoism, she also points out that the company's slogan "Unleash the Beast" could only be a reference to the Book of Revelation, before asking any remaining viewers if they know what a MILF is. Out of fear that we'd stumbled onto the most confusing porn film ever, we closed the browser; however, if anyone knows how this video ends, feel free to not tell us in the comments section.
Thoughts?
