At long last, I've completed the first installment of what I plan to be a 3 part story. Much thanks to an Eminem song for getting me in the mood to do this.
Here we go and enjoy! Oh, and remember. Do not take this seriously, was only done for fun.
And so, once upon a time there was this girl who met a seriously pale guy. Who turned out to be a Vampire that sparkled in the sunlight and didnââ¬â¢t combust into flames and turn to ash. His name was Edward Cullen. Her name was Bella. And of course, there was another who desired Ms. Bella for himself. The Hunky Native American looking long haired turned short haired boy who was able to turn into a wolf. Named Jacob. Yess.. I am a hunky son of a gun. Oh wait.. I canââ¬â¢t be breaking the fourth wall like Deadpool does! Oh! Bella! Yay!
And while we try to stay far away from Jacobââ¬â¢s thought processes. Lest we all be scarred for life. Bella often wondered how she wound up in a love triangle. But part of her did enjoy it, as well as make her as confused as a blonde in a Science Expo. And more then anything, she wanted to spend her life with Edward. Her never losing her beauty was a big bonus too. At least then sheââ¬â¢d never get hair all over if she was to be a wolf like the Hunky Jacob. Mmm.. Jacob.. Beefy. No! Edward! Thoughts of Edward! Jacob! Edward! DAMNIT! She often had that bloody war in her pretty little head. Usually leaving her with a big headache. Her homework didnââ¬â¢t help her state of mind either.
Leading on to Mr. Sparkles himself. Edward Cullen. And may this writer survive the fury of the fan boys and girls of Twilight for daring to write such a story as this. As for his reason as to why heââ¬â¢s never once thought of himself as a Pedophile for going after a girl much, much younger then him. Well.. Thatââ¬â¢s cause he was Mr. Sparkles damnit! Love was his salvation. And no silly little age limits and Necrophilia and the like was going to stop him from being with his Bella! So proclaims Mr. Sparkles! If the people around these three knew their thought processes, theyââ¬â¢d be calling in the big guns to get them some serious help! Hell even Drusilla from Buffy The Vampire Slayer would be wondering what the Hellââ¬â¢s wrong with them! Some of the residents still have nightmares from the Dance of Love that Edward performed one particularly dreary boring morning. Didnââ¬â¢t help he was singing in a very disturbing way. Course some girls swooned over him until Bella threatened them with a rusty looking shovel. But Drusilla never swooned herself. No sir. That was Miss Buffyââ¬â¢s thing. Miss Edith mentioned many a times that she should never fall for the Sparkling Vampireââ¬â¢s looks. But thatââ¬â¢s a whole other cross universe type thing entirely my good readers!
Currently, if one were to look into Edwardââ¬â¢s room. They would be scarred for life. As he was doing his Dance of Love yet once again. And singing quite terribly. Loud at that. Making the rest of the Cullens flee very, very far. In fact, the rest of the Cullens were the reason behind blood thirsty crazy Vampires coming to the town. Oh they loved Bella, but Edward had proven to be a Vampire that was just too strange. But yet, alas their plans to wipe him out failed really badly. ââ¬ÅOh Iââ¬â¢m such a sexy man! So pale, so male, and yet so sparkly! Yeah! Canââ¬â¢t touch this unless I let ya! Yeah! Bella is my girl, and Jacobââ¬â¢s just a mongrel. All cause Iââ¬â¢m so sexily sparkly! Yeah!ââ¬Â And now.. We all see why people donââ¬â¢t ever want to hear him sing. Or wind up needing therapy.
And young miss Bella was his only audience. Some days she was horrified, some days she was so enamored by it, and well.. Lets just say her thought processes could change upon occasion. She also had hoped he wasnââ¬â¢t planning to leave her behind again. Fearing for her safety and issues with the IRS. She just didnââ¬â¢t think she could bare through it again. Yeah she had Jacob, but he just didnââ¬â¢t have Edwardââ¬â¢s Sparkly goodies. Maybe if she was able to combine the twoââ¬â¢s qualities she liked the most. Sheââ¬â¢d have her most bestest ever dream man. And neither Edward or Jacob would be able to get her for their selves. But she knew that fantasy dream was unlikely to happen anytime soon! Gathering her wits about her to get the reason she was over started. She called out to him. ââ¬ËEdward.ââ¬Â Unfortunately for her, he was too enamored with his singing antics to hear. Which made her slightly annoyed.
Trying again just a little louder. ââ¬ÅEdward!ââ¬Â And yet nothing again. So getting even more annoyed. She tries one more time.
ââ¬ÅEDWARD!!ââ¬Â Her bellow is so loud, its easily heard for miles. Even startling poor Edward enough into falling over.
ââ¬ÅOof!ââ¬Â Came his loud grunt after falling on his butt.
After looking around like a wild man to find out where the yell came from. He noticed Bellaââ¬â¢s really intense glare that were it a power, would make him melt in his place. And due to the silence in the room. His gulp could be heard quite clearly.
ââ¬ÅY-yes my sweet Bella?ââ¬Â Came his question with a somewhat fearful tone of her.
After what felt like she had intensified the glare even more. She huffed loudly and crossed her arms under her chest. ââ¬ÅWhatââ¬Â¦ Did youââ¬Â¦ Ask me here for?ââ¬Â She honestly had to control herself. Unless she wanted to go off on him and lose him to some other girl. Or his own fears and the IRS.
Oh boyââ¬Â¦ I already can tell sheââ¬â¢s not gonna be happy. Edward muttered to himself in his head. In fact, he was very, very sure she was going to be unhappy with him.
Clearing his throat a few times in an effort to try and forestall the coming conversation. And to gather his courage to speak on what he needed to say to her. But he found it was rather hard to do so due to her intense glare. Which he kind of thought made her even more sexier then what she already was.Noooooââ¬Â¦ Ed old boy.. No need to go down that road right nowââ¬Â¦
Shaking himself from his thoughts. He finally gathered his wits about him and began to talk. ââ¬ÅBella.. I have something I must say. Something that I am pretty sure you are not going to like. Much like the time I got that bad sun burn thanks to that Tanning Salon. But I think this will be a bit worseââ¬Â¦.ââ¬Â He trailed off once he saw that Bellaââ¬â¢s glare, were it even possible. Seemed to just get even more scary and intense.
ââ¬ÅGo on.ââ¬Â Came her response. Which sounded practically growled out.
Edward looked at her for a moment or two due to actually being a bit scared of her. ââ¬ÅWellââ¬Â¦Ã¢â¬Â
Elsewhere in town.
Meanwhile, conveniently leaving the last scene and giving Edward enough time to speak his piece and to hopefully avoid blood shed. The Wolf Brothers were traveling across the town doing group feel good songs. Along with the Cullens providing back up in any form when needed. Suffice it to say, dogs were howling and cats were yowling. Pretty much causing chaos in the town. And making for some very angry citizens. Will the Wolf Brothers and the Cullens realize this before the townsfolk gear up to hunt them down? Who knows but stay tuned to find out!
Back at Edward's.
And now we come back to Edward's humble home. Where our main heroes of the hour are blissfully unaware of the events happening in town. And Bella herself is slapping the mess out of Edward after he finally told her he was leaving her yet again. All due to the IRS and the fact he wanted to try and get her to realize that life as a Vampire, sparkly or not. Is just not all that great. But she just wouldnââ¬â¢t hear of it. Stating that it was her choice and they were soul mates and blah blah blah. Which really? Who could blame the sparkling Vampire for tuning her out after the soul mates bit? Probably not even Maury would say much on it! *Ahem!*
Oh right, sorry. On with the story!
ââ¬ÅHow can you do this to me!? Donââ¬â¢t I mean anything to you!?ââ¬Â Shrieked the angry woman known as Bella while she slapped the mess out of Edward. Not even really realizing it was making it a bit hard to for him to even give a response. Or she did realize it but really didnââ¬â¢t care much. Anger is funny that way.
ââ¬ÅIf.. Ow! You would.. Just.. Ow! Let me.. Ow! Explain!ââ¬Â It just clearly wasnââ¬â¢t Mr. Sparkles day.
And just as Bella stopped and was about to tell him to go ahead and try to explain his way out of this in that smooth way of his. A loud booming noise was heard that shook the house. Causing Bella to fall on Edward. And for some slight awkwardness to occur. Much suggestive winking would be applied about now me thinks. And as the two looked into the eyes of the other. Bella could see the adoration and all that other lovey dovey stuff in her sweet sparkly Vampire manââ¬â¢s eyes. While all Edward could see in herââ¬â¢s was the signs of the facts that she clearly had the intentions of never letting him go and being his ball and chain. Thus ensuring he wouldnââ¬â¢t be a Bachelor anymore. Why me!? He wailed to himself in his head in a very depressed way.
But just as one of the two was about to speak, thus possibly dooming the other or angering the other. A voice, a quite loud and very male voice at that suddenly yelled out. ââ¬ÅCOME ON YOU APES! YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER!?ââ¬Â Thus, signaling that one Captain Johnny Rico, hero of a planet and well known giant bug killer was known to everyone in this story.
But as to how and why he and his team are even here in this story? Well thatââ¬â¢s something that will have to be explained in the next installment of this wacky story! ââ¬ÅHey! Wait a minute! What about us!?ââ¬Â Screeched out Bella from the sides.
Well time to wrap this up before the team goes on strike! See ya!
ââ¬ÅBut!ââ¬Â Came another try. Along with Edward trying to keep her from not being too loud.
ââ¬ÅIââ¬â¢m sorry, but we are out of time!ââ¬Â
ââ¬ËCurtain Close.ââ¬â¢
And so, once upon a time there was this girl who met a seriously pale guy. Who turned out to be a Vampire that sparkled in the sunlight and didnââ¬â¢t combust into flames and turn to ash. His name was Edward Cullen. Her name was Bella. And of course, there was another who desired Ms. Bella for himself. The Hunky Native American looking long haired turned short haired boy who was able to turn into a wolf. Named Jacob. Yess.. I am a hunky son of a gun. Oh wait.. I canââ¬â¢t be breaking the fourth wall like Deadpool does! Oh! Bella! Yay!
And while we try to stay far away from Jacobââ¬â¢s thought processes. Lest we all be scarred for life. Bella often wondered how she wound up in a love triangle. But part of her did enjoy it, as well as make her as confused as a blonde in a Science Expo. And more then anything, she wanted to spend her life with Edward. Her never losing her beauty was a big bonus too. At least then sheââ¬â¢d never get hair all over if she was to be a wolf like the Hunky Jacob. Mmm.. Jacob.. Beefy. No! Edward! Thoughts of Edward! Jacob! Edward! DAMNIT! She often had that bloody war in her pretty little head. Usually leaving her with a big headache. Her homework didnââ¬â¢t help her state of mind either.
Leading on to Mr. Sparkles himself. Edward Cullen. And may this writer survive the fury of the fan boys and girls of Twilight for daring to write such a story as this. As for his reason as to why heââ¬â¢s never once thought of himself as a Pedophile for going after a girl much, much younger then him. Well.. Thatââ¬â¢s cause he was Mr. Sparkles damnit! Love was his salvation. And no silly little age limits and Necrophilia and the like was going to stop him from being with his Bella! So proclaims Mr. Sparkles! If the people around these three knew their thought processes, theyââ¬â¢d be calling in the big guns to get them some serious help! Hell even Drusilla from Buffy The Vampire Slayer would be wondering what the Hellââ¬â¢s wrong with them! Some of the residents still have nightmares from the Dance of Love that Edward performed one particularly dreary boring morning. Didnââ¬â¢t help he was singing in a very disturbing way. Course some girls swooned over him until Bella threatened them with a rusty looking shovel. But Drusilla never swooned herself. No sir. That was Miss Buffyââ¬â¢s thing. Miss Edith mentioned many a times that she should never fall for the Sparkling Vampireââ¬â¢s looks. But thatââ¬â¢s a whole other cross universe type thing entirely my good readers!
Currently, if one were to look into Edwardââ¬â¢s room. They would be scarred for life. As he was doing his Dance of Love yet once again. And singing quite terribly. Loud at that. Making the rest of the Cullens flee very, very far. In fact, the rest of the Cullens were the reason behind blood thirsty crazy Vampires coming to the town. Oh they loved Bella, but Edward had proven to be a Vampire that was just too strange. But yet, alas their plans to wipe him out failed really badly. ââ¬ÅOh Iââ¬â¢m such a sexy man! So pale, so male, and yet so sparkly! Yeah! Canââ¬â¢t touch this unless I let ya! Yeah! Bella is my girl, and Jacobââ¬â¢s just a mongrel. All cause Iââ¬â¢m so sexily sparkly! Yeah!ââ¬Â And now.. We all see why people donââ¬â¢t ever want to hear him sing. Or wind up needing therapy.
And young miss Bella was his only audience. Some days she was horrified, some days she was so enamored by it, and well.. Lets just say her thought processes could change upon occasion. She also had hoped he wasnââ¬â¢t planning to leave her behind again. Fearing for her safety and issues with the IRS. She just didnââ¬â¢t think she could bare through it again. Yeah she had Jacob, but he just didnââ¬â¢t have Edwardââ¬â¢s Sparkly goodies. Maybe if she was able to combine the twoââ¬â¢s qualities she liked the most. Sheââ¬â¢d have her most bestest ever dream man. And neither Edward or Jacob would be able to get her for their selves. But she knew that fantasy dream was unlikely to happen anytime soon! Gathering her wits about her to get the reason she was over started. She called out to him. ââ¬ËEdward.ââ¬Â Unfortunately for her, he was too enamored with his singing antics to hear. Which made her slightly annoyed.
Trying again just a little louder. ââ¬ÅEdward!ââ¬Â And yet nothing again. So getting even more annoyed. She tries one more time.
ââ¬ÅEDWARD!!ââ¬Â Her bellow is so loud, its easily heard for miles. Even startling poor Edward enough into falling over.
ââ¬ÅOof!ââ¬Â Came his loud grunt after falling on his butt.
After looking around like a wild man to find out where the yell came from. He noticed Bellaââ¬â¢s really intense glare that were it a power, would make him melt in his place. And due to the silence in the room. His gulp could be heard quite clearly.
ââ¬ÅY-yes my sweet Bella?ââ¬Â Came his question with a somewhat fearful tone of her.
After what felt like she had intensified the glare even more. She huffed loudly and crossed her arms under her chest. ââ¬ÅWhatââ¬Â¦ Did youââ¬Â¦ Ask me here for?ââ¬Â She honestly had to control herself. Unless she wanted to go off on him and lose him to some other girl. Or his own fears and the IRS.
Oh boyââ¬Â¦ I already can tell sheââ¬â¢s not gonna be happy. Edward muttered to himself in his head. In fact, he was very, very sure she was going to be unhappy with him.
Clearing his throat a few times in an effort to try and forestall the coming conversation. And to gather his courage to speak on what he needed to say to her. But he found it was rather hard to do so due to her intense glare. Which he kind of thought made her even more sexier then what she already was.Noooooââ¬Â¦ Ed old boy.. No need to go down that road right nowââ¬Â¦
Shaking himself from his thoughts. He finally gathered his wits about him and began to talk. ââ¬ÅBella.. I have something I must say. Something that I am pretty sure you are not going to like. Much like the time I got that bad sun burn thanks to that Tanning Salon. But I think this will be a bit worseââ¬Â¦.ââ¬Â He trailed off once he saw that Bellaââ¬â¢s glare, were it even possible. Seemed to just get even more scary and intense.
ââ¬ÅGo on.ââ¬Â Came her response. Which sounded practically growled out.
Edward looked at her for a moment or two due to actually being a bit scared of her. ââ¬ÅWellââ¬Â¦Ã¢â¬Â
Elsewhere in town.
Meanwhile, conveniently leaving the last scene and giving Edward enough time to speak his piece and to hopefully avoid blood shed. The Wolf Brothers were traveling across the town doing group feel good songs. Along with the Cullens providing back up in any form when needed. Suffice it to say, dogs were howling and cats were yowling. Pretty much causing chaos in the town. And making for some very angry citizens. Will the Wolf Brothers and the Cullens realize this before the townsfolk gear up to hunt them down? Who knows but stay tuned to find out!
Back at Edward's.
And now we come back to Edward's humble home. Where our main heroes of the hour are blissfully unaware of the events happening in town. And Bella herself is slapping the mess out of Edward after he finally told her he was leaving her yet again. All due to the IRS and the fact he wanted to try and get her to realize that life as a Vampire, sparkly or not. Is just not all that great. But she just wouldnââ¬â¢t hear of it. Stating that it was her choice and they were soul mates and blah blah blah. Which really? Who could blame the sparkling Vampire for tuning her out after the soul mates bit? Probably not even Maury would say much on it! *Ahem!*
Oh right, sorry. On with the story!
ââ¬ÅHow can you do this to me!? Donââ¬â¢t I mean anything to you!?ââ¬Â Shrieked the angry woman known as Bella while she slapped the mess out of Edward. Not even really realizing it was making it a bit hard to for him to even give a response. Or she did realize it but really didnââ¬â¢t care much. Anger is funny that way.
ââ¬ÅIf.. Ow! You would.. Just.. Ow! Let me.. Ow! Explain!ââ¬Â It just clearly wasnââ¬â¢t Mr. Sparkles day.
And just as Bella stopped and was about to tell him to go ahead and try to explain his way out of this in that smooth way of his. A loud booming noise was heard that shook the house. Causing Bella to fall on Edward. And for some slight awkwardness to occur. Much suggestive winking would be applied about now me thinks. And as the two looked into the eyes of the other. Bella could see the adoration and all that other lovey dovey stuff in her sweet sparkly Vampire manââ¬â¢s eyes. While all Edward could see in herââ¬â¢s was the signs of the facts that she clearly had the intentions of never letting him go and being his ball and chain. Thus ensuring he wouldnââ¬â¢t be a Bachelor anymore. Why me!? He wailed to himself in his head in a very depressed way.
But just as one of the two was about to speak, thus possibly dooming the other or angering the other. A voice, a quite loud and very male voice at that suddenly yelled out. ââ¬ÅCOME ON YOU APES! YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER!?ââ¬Â Thus, signaling that one Captain Johnny Rico, hero of a planet and well known giant bug killer was known to everyone in this story.
But as to how and why he and his team are even here in this story? Well thatââ¬â¢s something that will have to be explained in the next installment of this wacky story! ââ¬ÅHey! Wait a minute! What about us!?ââ¬Â Screeched out Bella from the sides.
Well time to wrap this up before the team goes on strike! See ya!
ââ¬ÅBut!ââ¬Â Came another try. Along with Edward trying to keep her from not being too loud.
ââ¬ÅIââ¬â¢m sorry, but we are out of time!ââ¬Â
ââ¬ËCurtain Close.ââ¬â¢
