What should I do?

[Rapunzel]

I did something bad today. It wasn't intentional. I didn't mean to. I screwed up.



But because of what I did, I unintentionally upset someone and caused them to cry and I feel really, really bad about it.



I don't like upsetting people. I absolutely hate hurting people's feelings and I can't believe that some casual remark that I made back-fired in such a way as to cause a lot of upset and hurt feelings. However, it's happened and I don't know what to do to make things right.



The lady I upset has said she is going to phone in sick tomorrow as she is too upset to come in. I have volunteered to cover her playground duties to help with the guilt I feel. I just don't know how to make this better.



I could own up to it and say that my comment, which was overheard and repeated to her, was the comment that upset her. Yet I didn't make the comment, I was just repeating what I had been told. Although it was gossip and I shouldn't have said it. Still, someone accidently overheard and repeated the comment to her and now she feels everyone hates her.



Tomorrow is the last day of term, so I won't see her again until after Christmas. I don't want to rake up upsets and bad feelings, so how do I make it up to her without letting her know that I unintentionally caused the upset?



I feel really really bad about this.



Any advice or suggestions?

 

[Corleone]

Although I'm not saying what you did or said was right, it happens. You're going to say things in life that seem innocent at first and then in an instant those things backfire. Trust me, I've had it happen to me before. It's not fun hurting someone's feelings, but it does make it easier when you own up to your mistake and apologize to that person in a sincere manner. It's not easy apologizing, because sometimes, such as in your case, you might of only spoke of what you've heard, but nevertheless, it's still gossip. Go apologize and try to make peace. You'll feel a whole lot better knowing you apologized. However, an apology may not be too meaningful to him/her at first, but it's purely the act of admitting you were wrong, which will hopefully end this trouble. Once you've apologized and tried to make things right, hopefully it'll work out, but if not, give them some time, because they may still be mad or hurt. Don't expect them to be your best friend at first, but try to fill in the gap and do what you can. However, there are instances where people simply do not and choose not to forgive, and unfortunately you can't force someone to forgive you, but you can say sorry and try to make it right. At the end of the day, just learn one thing from this, don't gossip, especially if it's something serious. Hope the best for you and your friend!

 

[Durandal]

I'd be careful not to turn this from a campfire to a wildfire...look at what you wrote. It appears to me you're going to end up martyred for just passing small talk along. The ethics of gossip are a separate matter for another day. Hopefully she can see that it would be irrational to hold you as a target for someone else's deed.



However, you can offer empathy to her. You don't need to necessarily go and take a hit for someone else, but you can do something to make her feel a little better. I imagine if you are colleagues, there must be some way to engage in inter-institutional communications...perhaps you know a personal way of contacting her? By post, by phone, or email? What I'd do, given the proximity of the holiday is send her a special little something, nothing big, just something like a card, and a small gift of some sort to let her know you're thinking of her, and often a small act of kindness can erase any minor slights whether actual or merely misperceived as existant.



If you have a free bit of time during the holiday, you could even offer to spend some time (at this point, it starts to border on overkill, though) with her, a little outing of sorts.



For the easiest and most rapid-fire of solutions, I'd suggest sending an email, or finding a way to pass forward a message (a short, written note can work) by way of a common superior to you both so that she gets the message.



Most of all, don't go and beat yourself up. IT's a rough-world out there, and it's not like you burned her home down, and you meant no malice. Hopefully she understands that and empathizes with that, so you two can come to a positive and constructive understanding with each other.



Best of luck.

 

[Nebulous]

I guess I'll be the one to ask..



What did you say / repeat about this person? Must have been juicy to make the staff hate her and her stay home from work.

 

[Rapunzel]

Thanks for your replies folks. They really helped.

Nebulous, you're as nosy as I am!

Okay, what actually happened is that a group of us work playground duties together, in a rota system. So as we work together we decided to have a Christmas lunch together, as you do. We also all took a present to the lunch so we could do 'secret santa'. (I took a bottle of my favourite wine).



Anyway, after lunch we did secret santa. Now most people in our group are nice, however, a couple are not. First you have Debbie. She has been doing the job for 15 years and if you dare to do anything differently she's the one who moans I've been doing this job for 15 years and we've always done it this way and this is the way it should be done...mutter mutter mutter (ad nauseum) You get the idea. Basically she's very set in her ways and very hard work. Usually very miserable too. Oy vey!



Secondly you have Julie. There used to be three witches working this rota system, Debbie, Julie and Julie. Together they were a nasty piece of work. They used to cause a lot of upset and aggro. Luckily, one of the Julie's left. She was the ring-leader and stirrer up of trouble. Things have been SO much better since she left! The remaining Julie can still be a grouch (and she is unbelievably lazy) but she does smile occasionally and can be nice. The third person is Hazel. She started here two years ago, same as me. We were both chosen from the same bunch of interviewees. (I was first choice, she was second choice, just thought I'd put that in!

) Sorry this is long-winded, I thought I'd give you some background info. Hazel sucks up to important people. A real brown noser. She also loathes people she considers beneath her. And she loathes me. The Head gave me a playground budget last year, following some suggestions for improvements I made during a meeting. Hazel was very jealous and continually makes barbed remarks which she considers to be very witty. They're the sort of remarks which, if I replied to, I would be considered petty or bitchy, but people don't seem to realise how snide she is being when she makes them.



Anyway...after the Christmas lunch (above) we all picked a number out of a hat to get a secret santa present. My present turned out to be a big box of chocolates. Debbie got my bottle of wine. Now she's been in a fairly good temper for the last couple of months. It's the best she's ever been. But as soon as she saw that bottle of wine, her lip curled up and she immediately fell into a major sulk. I asked her if she was okay and whether she drank wine. She snarled No, I don't! I asked if she wanted to swap as I like the wine and, tbh, we have SO many boxes of sweets and chocolates packed away for Christmas that I REALLY don't need another box of chocolates. (On top of which, I've had SO many boxes of choccies from the kids in my class that I'll still be eating them NEXT Christmas!

) And, tbh, I didn't mind which gift I had. She grunted Orright (Alright!) at me. (Not even a 'Thankyou')!



After lunch and secret santa, everyone started to leave until the only people left were Hazel, Julie W.(a different Julie from the two above, this one is completely lovely!)

and me. Hazel said we should all get together over Christmas and go for a drink together but she added Not everyone. We don't want Debbie, she's too bloody miserable! So there's the comment!



That was Wednesday. On Wednesday evening Carole popped into school. Carole used to be on the rota for playground duty but she started a new job a couple of weeks ago, so I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. She's also a lovely lady and I miss having her to chat to. She popped in to drop off her Christmas cards and she asked how I was and how things were going. We were chatting quietly in a corner of the staff room. The only person near us was a woman sitting a few seats away. We often have strangers in the staff room, so I didn't pay her any attention. (Aha! Hmmm...) Anyway, whilst chatting to Carole I mentioned that we might be going out for a drink over Christmas, but I added, 'not everybody, Hazel doesn't want Debbie to go as she says she's too bloody miserable, but I think she's been a lot better lately' (which she has!)



It turns out that this woman, the stranger, was Debbie's daughter! Bugger! So, of course!, she told Debbie what was said!



So Debbie came in yesterday (Thursday) and went to see the Head, in floods of tears, saying everyone hated her! The Head wanted to know who had spread the gossip and threatened to put an official warning on the persons file if she found out who that was!



I felt really mean when I found out I had made Debbie cry. She's very prickly and often grumpy but that's no reason to be mean and if I hurt someone's feelings then I hurt myself just as much. I don't know if that's lame but I tend to be very upbeat and it hurts me deeply to know I've upset someone.



However, when I found out that the Head was going to put a warning on someone's file, I panicked. And the reason for that is that last week she told me she was going to put an official warning on my file because I had had a couple of days off sick with a bad cold but I hadn't phoned in sick. I told her I HAD phoned in sick. I spoke to the Lady in the office and asked her to pass the message on, but the Lady in the office is bloody useless and NEVER passes messages on. Everyone knows this! I even stressed how important it was that she pass the message on because I'd dropped my mobile the day before and it wasn't working so I couldn't text anyone. She promised she would, but she didn't! So now, I don't know if I have a warning on my file or not! I have NEVER had one before! And it's bloody unfair if I do have one because I DID phone in sick!



So anyway, I panicked because if I DO have a warning on my file then I certainly DON'T want a second one! So yesterday I was feeling mean and panicky and upset and I just didn't know what to do.



I talked to my other half last night and he said it was ridiculous that she was putting such a severe action against such a stupid piece of hearsay. He said it was a total over-reaction, which I actually agree with. If anyone does get a warning for this (either me or Hazel) then it is going to cause a lot of aggravation amongst the staff. It's almost as if you are all reporting against each other then.



Anyway, I went into work today and the atmosphere was much calmer. Debbie said yesterday that she was too upset to work today and wasn't coming in. I offered to cover her playground duty as I felt so upset that I had upset Debbie. Debbie works mornings in the nursery which is next door to the school, and works in school in the afternoons. Today we found out that the nursery was closed today and so the general feeling among the staff is that Debbie over-emphasized her upset so that she wouldn't have to bother coming in today.



I don't know. I still feel mean for upsetting her. However, I don't feel I deserve an official warning. I know I shouldn't have repeated gossip but I was talking quietly to someone. Unfortunately I was overheard. But why did the girl tell her mother, knowing it would upset her? I think the whole situation reflects badly on all of us. However, as someone above said, these things happen.



For me, I think I'll be as nice and as kind to Debbie as I can be when I see her again in the New Year. I'm not going to tell her it was me because then she could tell the Head and I don't want to feel that she holds something over me and can drop me in the sh*t whenever it pleases her. I'll just be as pleasant as possible which will help my conscience and will hopefully make her feel liked and cared about.



As someone else said, it's a learning experience. It seems to have been pretty much forgotten about today so I think it's one to chalk up to experience and to learn from.



As a btw, we had a meeting with the Head today and she's threatening to put warnings on everyone's file if they don't follow all her multitude of warnings and rules and regulations. I really don't like the woman.



So there ya go, that is the update for today. Thanks for all the advice folks. It helped.

 

[Oscar]

Sorry Rappy Pops but she sounds like a right whiner to me.



To over dramatise the whole thing and go as far as cry and threaten not to go In to work the next day is pathetic. Are you sure she Is not one of the children?



Perhaps she Is doing the 'woe Is me' act to get attention... If It were me, I would Ignore her for being so over Indulgent.......... but then, ... I am a hard cow LOL

 

[Rapunzel]

Oscar! Hunny bunny! It's SO good to see you again! I wondered how you were. How is Peter?



I heard that, like Dumbledore, you got rid of some evil but got badly burnt in the process. Bummer!



Kathy Ellen signed on here but hasn't been back sadly.



I don't go back to that place now as it's mainly ForGits.

As to the above, a couple of them are very childish and you have to almost have kid gloves around them.



Some people are just difficult to work with.



On the whole I love the job and love the people. The main problem is the new Head as I find it impossible to suck up, it makes me want to puke!

Sadly, everyone else has no such scruples and they all suck up to her. I have been at loggerheads with her a couple of times because I don't agree with her and she has made life hellish quite frequently so I am sadly having to look for something else.



Our deputy Head was brilliant and I got on really well with him. He left to be a Head elsewhere and I'm hoping a job will come up at his school because I would love to work there.



How are your foxes? I was sorry to hear about Clarkson. He must have been pretty old in fox years.



How are your turkish friends? Are they still having problems with the local youth?



I hope you stick around, it's just so lovely to see you again.

Big big hugs to you and Peter and I hope you both have a wonderful Christmas.



Chat soon, love Mel. xxx

 

[Jazzy]

Just would like to say, Rap, that you didn't make Debbie cry. Debbie's daughter did by telling her mother what she over heard. Perhaps Debbie's daughter agrees that her mother is prickly, grumpy, and bloody miserable. I doubt that people who act like Debbie does just act that way work. Somehow, I feel Debbie's daughter wanted to get back at her mother by telling her. Think about it. Why else would Debbie's daugther tell her what she heard? When Debbie went to see the Head in a flood of tears saying everyone hated her, I think her daughter was also included in the statement everyone. Maybe this will be Debbie's wake up call to change her ways.



The only thing from reading what happened that you did wrong was to speak when there was a stranger in the room. If I were you, I would forget this ever happened and move on with your life. Lesson learned: Speak only when it's safe to do so.

 

[Durandal]

I pretty much agree with Jazzy; this isn't your 'cross to bear' so to speak, as I mentioned before. If you really look at the basest cause and effect of it all. You DID NOT make her upset, etc. She, herself, did by acting so negatively that it caused someone to say what she said, which was then passed around. It very well could be that she is actually disgusted with herself and such is the causation of her excessive outburst...but it's more likely a Narcissistic outlook, and sadly, those types of people victimise awesome people like you who clearly are Altruistic - I've run into similar situations - where I, too, end up thinking I did something wrong, and did something horrible and beat myself up over it, when really it was the supposed 'victim' that was the perpetrator all along.



Don't let this drag you down; you can't 'shoot the messenger', as it is said.

 

[Rapunzel]

Thanks Jazzy and Durandal for your support.

That really helps.

I don't really know if Debbie's daughter gets on with her Jazzy. She seems a bit of an odd kind of person.

A couple of our school cleaners have retired recently and we have just got 2 new cleaners in and Debbie's daughter is one of them. I knew we had new cleaners, I hadn't realised Debbie's daughter was one of them! It seems a bit odd because she's been to college and Debbie says she wants to be a teacher, and to get her 'foot in the door' she's starting off as a cleaner. Why would you work as a cleaner in the school you want to teach in? There is, unfortunately, a definite hierarchy in schools and if people see you as a cleaner they will find it hard to take you seriously as a teacher. Tbh, she seems a bit 'odd' anyway, she looks at you in a strange way. Hmmm...it's hard to describe. She looks as if she's a little slower than other people, if you know what I mean.



Thankyou Durandal.

I doubt Debbie is disgusted with herself. She is the sort of person who always believes she is in the right. You're right, she did act negatively. But then, that has always been her way, so perhaps we should have made allowances for that.



I loved the 'awesome people like you' comment. That really made me laugh! I am so NOT awesome! But I loved the comment. I'll have to add you to my friends list. Lol. Thankyou.



Thanks to everyone for their comments. I have calmed down over this whole situation now. I don't know how it will be when we go back to work but hopefully it will all blow over. I'll still be extra nice to Debbie and I hope her daughter won't point me out as the 'one who made the comment'.

 

[Rapunzel]

So, to update you on the latest situation. A-ha!



I thought I would add to this thread, rather than create a new one, as it'll save me having to re-explain things.

School re-opened yesterday. Debbie, the sulky one, phoned in sick. Hazel's sons school was closed for the day so she phoned in sick too. My school don't know that she wasn't really sick. Only the nice Julie and I know that. I just added that because I had a warning last term for having time off sick. Hazel has had more sick leave than me...but no warning! There's a lot of favouritism going on with the new Head! Grrr!



Anyway, Debbie didn't bother turning up again today - and she didn't phone in either! But she did see the Head at some point during the holidays and told her that it was Hazel and Julie who were bitching about her. It was actually Hazel talking TO Julie, rather than a discussion. So yesterday the Head pulled Julie out of class and accused her of bitching about Debbie. Julie denied it, after all, she hadn't actually said anything. Hazel has been off sick so hasn't been questioned. I wonder if Julie told her this morning about the Head questioning her? I wonder if Hazel got scared and went home sick because she didn't want to face the Head? However, Hazel knows I was in the room at the time she made the comment and I wouldn't put it past her to blame me for saying something. She really doesn't like me and would be happy to shift any blame. The noose tightens! *aaarrrggghhhh!*

 

[Durandal]

Is this an educational institution, or the set of a soap opera?



All you can do is seek to be as positive and constructive as you can on your own, and associate with others that do the same. If there are some that are the opposite, negative and destructive, you can only do your best to quarantine yourself from them. If you're caught in a situation where an institutional regime supports a negative and destructive roster of individuals over those who choose positive ways, then either exodus (leaving the workplace) or seeking allies in other places (if there are some to be had in higher places, parallel places) are your only options.



Do you have an option of spear-heading a counter-initiative to stem the tide of negativity and collusion amongst those individuals to promote negativity? It's important that, while not to stoop to a negative level, one takes proactive measures to promote positive and constructive attitudes at home, in the workplace, etc., rather than become too comfortable in passivity.



I hope the situation has reached its zenith and will boil down to nothing in the end for you. Good luck (though from personal experience, I know dealing with petty women tends to be a challenge requiring superhuman patience and mental endurance).

 

[Evil Eye]

Cliffhanger! Argh!

Is this an educational institution, or the set of a soap opera?

Sell the story, Rapunzel!

 

[The Dragon Master]

I hope you don't get the warning Rap, and that everything works out

Like Durandal and Jazzy said, you never made her cry.

 

[Jazzy]

I would just do the job I'm paid to do and do it to the best of my ability. I have never in any job gotten involved in this type of situation. Why? Because I am geting paid to do my job not to socialize. Sounds harsh but that's the facts. If you do your job and ignore the petty bull crap going on around you, they can never pin anything on you. I'm not saying not to be nice to co-workers but I keep it on a strictly professional level. When someone starts telling me about so and so I just politely tell them that I'm not interested in others drama as I have enough of my own to deal with. What you don't know, can't hurt you or bite you in the butt later.

 

[Rapunzel]

I would just do the job I'm paid to do and do it to the best of my ability. I have never in any job gotten involved in this type of situation. Why? Because I am geting paid to do my job not to socialize. Sounds harsh but that's the facts. If you do your job and ignore the petty bull crap going on around you, they can never pin anything on you. I'm not saying not to be nice to co-workers but I keep it on a strictly professional level. When someone starts telling me about so and so I just politely tell them that I'm not interested in others drama as I have enough of my own to deal with. What you don't know, can't hurt you or bite you in the butt later.

OMG you are so right! I was talking to the nice Julie and she said she has learnt to say nothing to anyone. If people tell her things then she just doesn't pass them on. Interestingly, even though she and Hazel are very close friends she said she would tell me anything and trust me not to pass it on, but she wouldn't trust Hazel. I would have expected it to be the other way round. I was very touched by her trust.



Interesting also was the fact that Debbie came back to work today - in a VERY upbeat mood! (shocker!) - and said she'd had this horrible flu bug that has been decimating the school, then she added that the nursery next door (where she spends her mornings) has been closed for the last two days! What a coincidence - her morning job was cancelled for the same number of days that she has been off for. Hmmm!



Another interesting fact is that Hazel was off sick again today. I wonder if she's worried about being questioned by the Head? Now Debbie is back and in a happy mood, maybe things will be allowed to drop. I hope so.



Isn't it crazy how one stupid comment can get blown up into such a major incident? What a nightmare!



PS. Thanks to everyone for their helpful comments. They were much appreciated.