The Off Topix Whose Line Thread...

[Webster]

I did a similar thread over at WATWD and I thought, 'hey, why not one here as well?"
So, anyway, here's the Off Topix Whose Line thread....


Scenes From A Hat #1
--Pickup Lines That Are Doomed To Fail
-Liberty: Hey, I've got Dish...
-Frankie: Once the itching stops, I'll be ready for lovin', baby...

--Things To Say That Will Always Start A Fight....
-Justice: Hey, you guys wanna' fight?
-Nebulous: Hey, Clinton, what's with the fat broad?

--The Shortest Books Ever Read
-Doc Leftover: British Dentistry...
-Jazzy: The Life & Times Of Gary Coleman..
-Webster: Nebulous's Admin Skills... *long applause from the audience as Nebulous mimes, 'Nebulous's Admin Skills' a few times and deadpans, "Web, you're fired..."....*

--Disturbing Sayings Found On Your Grandma's Throw Pillows
-Liberty: Your grandma did it with your grandpa right here... *throws down pillot in mock horror*

--What They Really Talk About In Gridiron Huddles..
-Webster (to Nebulous in a high voice): He's such a bitch; he scratched my eyes out...
-Justice (to Liberty): Tell me again why you wear contacts, Liberty?

--The Newspaper Headline You'd Most Like To See
-Jazzy: "Nebulous Marries His True Love!"

 

[Nebulous]

Interesting.

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #2
--Bad Choices For Pets...
-Justice: Here, Velociraptor! Here, Veloci--! *Velociraptor flies down and tears Justice in half*
-Doc Leftover: *whistles* Where's my little tapeworm?

--Strange Things To Find In Your Bed...
-Nebulous: *snores, then rolls over in bed..* Webster!?! *Nebulous jumps out of bed as Webster screams, "Teach me your secrets, 'o mighty admin, you!"..*
-Webster: *walks off stage & runs into Liberty*
-Liberty: What's Nebulous's problem? *Webster shrugs & deadpans, "I don't know"...*

--Dangerous Things To Do While You Are Naked...
-Capt. Morgan: Bring the steaks while I light up the grill, honey!
-Webster: *revs up several chainsaws and then begins juggling said chainsaws*
-Jazzy: *opens door to the Oval Office* Five minutes, Mr. President...

--Baby Names That'll Get Your Baby's Ass Kicked...
-Justice: Oh, is Kick My Ass hungry?
-Nebulous: C'mere, Nebulous...

--Little Known Facts About Our Comedic Host, Webster...
-Nebulous: *walks out on stage and gets buzzed immediately by Webster*
-Liberty: *walks out on stage and gets buzzed immediately by Webster*
-Nebulous: What kind of a middle name is Justin?

--Things You Wish You Hadn't Said To The President...
-Jazzy: Sure, I'll be your intern...
-Webster: Cigarette, cigar...
-Nebulous: I do!

 

[+paradox]

haha!

not sure what's going on but...

 

[Webster]

haha!

not sure what's going on but...

When I was a regular over at We Are The Walking Dead, I did a similar Whose Line thread over there and got lots of laughs from everyone, so I thought I'd start something similar here. Of course, over there, I used both forum members and roleplay characters in the thread, so I had a larger cast of individuals victims to choose from...

 

[+paradox]

please continue...

 

[Webster]

please continue...

...thank you, I most certainly will...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenes From A Hat #3
--Rejected Themes For Restaurants
-Justice: *in a humorous style* Howdy, fella! C'mon on in...you can catch salmonella; eat it!

--Videos That Didn't Sell Off The Shelves At Blockbuster
-Nebulous: I'm Queen of the World!
-Webster: *walks around absent-mindedly* Oh, hi everyone...I'm Nebulous, Off Topix's Admin!

--Interview Questions You'd Like To Hear Asked Of A Miss America Contestant
-Capt. Morgan: Miss Vermont....are those real?
-Liberty: Can you pick up that quarter without using your hands?

--The Wrong Thing To Say When She Says "I Love You"
-Nicholas: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha....ha, ha, ha....
-Nebulous: Uhh, that's nice, but you're not Webster...
-Doc Leftover: *deadpans* Yeah, keep the change... *to which Nebulous says off-camera, 'speaking from personal experience, huh, Doc...".... ...*

--Messages Delivered A Little Late
-Nebulous: Billy Ray, your daughter Miley will go crazy. You should disown her now...
-Liberty: General Custer, stay where you are...
-Justice: Mr. Lincoln, the play got bad reviews....
-Webster: Mr. Clinton, stay away from the fat broad....

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #4
--Strange Titles For Celebrity Affairs
-Frankie: "James Brown: What The Hell Did He Say?"
-Webster: "Me & Piper by Lena Headey"
-Justice: "Conspiracy Theories by Jesse Ventura"

--Strange Items For Sale At The Black Iron Prison
-Justice: Hmmm...shower mirrors.
-Liberty: Ahh...homemade shanks!

--Words That Sound Dirty, But Aren't...
-Webster: Yes, I'd like an order of Futtbucker...
-Nebulous: *walks onto stage w/rooster* Hi, I'm Farmer Dick and this is my prize cock!
-Capt. Morgan: Yes, I'll have a rock sucker and a large side of punt...

--Shows That Got Screwed By The Network...
-Jazzy: Tonight on Cinemax....Nebulous & Web!
-Webster: Tonight on Fox....The Sarah Connor Chronicles!

--Odd Choices For Presidential Running Mates
-Doc Leftover: As President, let me assure you that Brutha and I will...
-Webster: I'd like y'all to meet my running mate... *begins to unzip pants before being dragged offstage*
-Seaside: What'cha talking about, Willis?

--Pickup Lines Of Game Show Hosts...
-Capt. Morgan: Show me booty!
-Jazzy: Is that all you've got?
-Webster: Would you like to go for what's behind Zipper #1?

--Bad Things To Say To Your Future In-Laws...
-Justice: So this is your mother?...
-Nebulous: So this is your father?.....

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #5
--Bad Topics To Open A Conversation With
-Webster (to Nebulous): What color's your poo first thing in the morning?

--Professions Where Breaking Into Song Is Discouraged...
-Nebulous (to Justice as he mimics strapping him into an electric chair): We're gonna fry you this morning, fry you this morning.....
-Doc Leftover: *mimics being a mime* I'm a mime!!!

--Things That Make The Audience Boo...
-Nebulous (to Webster amidst a shout of boos): Hey, what color's your poo in the morning?
-Jazzy (in front of a studio kitchen): Okay, so we have the potatoes simmering, let's begin filleting the baby seals... *stops amidst boos from the crowd*
-Liberty: You sneak up behind Justice, wait for the train, then....you push him in front of it, push him in front of it! *gets surprised by the applause from the audience* ...I wasn't expecting applause there...
-Nebulous: ...and the Southern California Children's Assistance Award goes to... *opens envelope* ...Roman Polanski...

--Mundane Activities Made Better By Nudity....
-Jazzy (to Jimbo): Welcome to the car wash, sir...
-Doc Leftover: Scalpel...
-Webster: *walks out onto stage, sits down and mimics being a forum admin....*

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #6
--Things You Can Say About The Food You Eat, But Not Your Girlfriend...
-Liberty: Sure, I'll have seconds...
-Justice: Will you look at the mold on that?
-Jazzy: Hmm...my God, this is juicy!
-Webster: Care for some more, boss?

--Statements That Will Get Bleeped By The Censors...
-Nebulous: In espanol, I'm El Grande Ricardo, but you can call me Big Dick!
-Justice: I'm Barack Obama and I'm the fucking President!
-Webster: Here pussy!

--Ill Advised Valentine's Day Gifts...
-Webster (to WATWD's Valentino): It's a gun! *adds deadpan* I'll get ya' the bullets next month!
-Raven: Oh, don't tell me you already have the head of a goat!
-Nebulous (to Jazzy): Its' the Lorena Bobbitt Story...
-Webster: Just to remember me by; that's a picture of me with my lover....

--Favorite Pranks Of Nuns...
-Liberty (to Justice): No, no, its' true...all nuns can fly!

--Other Things Neil Armstrong Might've Said On The Moon...
-Krampus: Ohh, I hope I get back...
-Justice: Wwhhhheeee!
-Jazzy: ....a Starbucks?!?
-Liberty: ...what's Smooth & DarkFury doing here on the moon?!?
-Nebulous: I shouldn't have had those fish tacos earlier...

--Opening Lines Of Foreign National Items
-Jimbo: Colombia! We're not known just for coffee! Colombia...
-Geoffrey: Russia! Our women look like men! Russia....

--Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A Western
-Webster: Oh, this town's big enough for the two of us...

--Rejected Jeopardy Categories
-Liberty: Yeah, I'll take Famous Islamic Fascists for $200...
-Justice: Jazzy's Lingerie for $500....
-Raven: I'll take Things Nobody Knows for $1000...
-Webster: I'll take Nebulous's Gentalia, Audio Clues for $1000...

--People Who Won't Be On Currency Anytime Soon...
-Liberty: I'm sorry, we can't break a Muhammad...

 

[+paradox]

naughty yet oh too good...

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #7
--Bad Times To Be Distracted By A Woman
-Aaron (to Jazzy): Jazzy, I love you forever and a .... *gets distracted by another woman walking by*
-Jazzy (to Aaron): Aaron!! *slaps Aaron*

--Making Mundane Instructions Sound Sexy...
-Webster: There's two emergency exits, one in the front...one in the rear. Oh, yeah...
-Jazzy: This next game's called Bad Pickup Lines... *gets buzzed by Nebulous* ...Baaaaddd Pickup Lines....

--What President Obama Does In The Oval Office When No One's Around
-Liberty: Hmmm...how can I fuck over the country once more??
-Nebulous: *walks around the Oval Office in circles w/a golf putter*

--More Things You Can Say About Food, But Not Your Girlfriend...
-Nebulous: Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! I'm sick of breasts! Where are the wieners?
-Jacob: Hmm! Everything tastes good on a Ritz!
-Stephanie: My lord, Liz, these pies are incredibly small!
-Jazzy: Ohhh..that goes down good....

 

[+paradox]

how dare you not have me in #7!

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #8
--Things You Don't Want To Be Shouting When The Loud Music Stops...
-Doc Leftover: ...and then they sewed his wing-wang back on him...
-Jacob: ....I'm a Narc!!
-Nebulous: ....no, no, I got a sex change!....
-Webster: ...I love Downton Abbey too!....

--Poems About Embarrassing Moments...
-Justice: My teacher was beautiful, a beautiful lass, but I was embarrassed in front of the class. I would sit in the back because I was such a loner, and then suddenly I got a .....
-Nebulous: I was held up at gunpoint, I did not know what to do. He said, 'give me your money', and I made number two...
-Webster: It was my first time, I felt such elation...oh no, premature ejacula....

--Rejected Endings For The Blockbuster Movie Titanic
-Aaron: I'm King of the Squirrels!
-Webster: *sings* Corpses bobbing everywhere...
-Doc Leftover: Welcome Rose, I'm Gilligan, if you'll follow me...

--Personal Messages Flown Behind Airplanes...
-Liz: Help, the engine's on fire....
-Jacob: If you can read this, you're driving too close...

--Bad Songs To Sing While In Prison...
-Nebulous: So, who's the slightly effeminate one? That's me...that's me...
-Jimbo: Who dropped the soap? Who dropped the soap?
-Jacob: Jazzy's escaping through the wall in the hole, the hole in the wall...
-Webster: With the wig, you remind me of Nebulous...

--Inappropriate First Date Greetings...
-Justice: Hi...damn, they're big!!!
-Stephanie: Hi, Mr. Halliday, I'm come to fondle your daughter...
-Jazzy: I'll satisfy ya', but it could kill ya'...

--What Your Significant Other Is Thinking While They're Kissing You....
-Justice: Damn, they're big!
-Liberty: Okay, the Jaguars are on at 4 versus the Cowboys...
-Aaron: Damn, she couldn't have eaten skunk...
-Webster: Man, the things ya' gotta do to keep Nebulous happy...

--Bad Parental Motivational Speeches
-Doc Leftover: Do you want to end up like me?
-Jazzy: A paramedic? Honey, prostitutes make twice that money...

 

[Webster]

how dare you not have me in #7!

Couldn't fit you into #7, Justice...you're in #8, though.

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #9
--Ending A Long-Term Relationship In Song...
-Webster: Baby, baby, you gots to go! You gots to go! Why, why, why??? Because you's a ho! Bye, bye...bye, bye...bye, bye!
-Justice: Oh, I'm one lucky little mister...I don't need you, I'm fuckin' your sister....
-Nebulous: You are dead to me! Nothing but scum...when I look in your eyes, I get inflammation of the bum! You make me feel putrid... *Webster & Jazzy drag Nebulous off-stage*

--Things You've Always Wanted To Say To The Audience At Home...
-Kage: I could run this board better than either Jazzy or Nebulous could...

--When A Kiss Is Completely Out Of Line...
-Webster (to Nebulous & Jazzy) You may now kiss the bride... *Webster kisses Nebulous and both walk off-stage...*
-Liberty (to Justice): Good morning, Mr. President... *kisses Justice on the cheek* ..shall we begin with the briefing, sir?

--Unusual Ways For The Eye Doctor To Test Your Vision...
-Nebulous: *punches Webster in the face* Did you see that?

 

[Nebulous]

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #10
--If A Fear-Factor Episode Was Done For Celebrities...
-Liberty: ...a French accent?!?
-Webster: Nebulous, we're going to have to vote you off the island...

--Slogans On T-Shirts Worn By George W. Bush
-Liberty: I won, get over it!
-Justice: I'm a honor student at Johnson Elementary...
-Aaron: Bush - More Than A Euphemism For Pubic Hair
-Jazzy: The "W" stands for honesty!
-Webster: 57 states and counting!

--What Cast Members Think Should Be The Names Of Forum Members' Autobiographies
-Nebulous: Webster - The Man Of A Thousand Laughs!

--Bad Game-Show Contests
-Justice: Wheel...Of....Mucus!
-Doc Leftover: I'd like to buy a bowel...
-Jazzy: I'll take what's behind zipper #1...

--Things You Never Want To Hear Your Grandmother To Say
-Liberty: Oh, you look good today...
-Jacob: Honey, Grandma's changin' pimps!
-Justice: Your grandpa and I would make love like two ferrets rutting in the mud...

--Bad Pickup Lines In The Fruit & Vegetable Aisle
-Nebulous: Canteloupe later?
-Webster: Want to see my cucumber?

--People You'll Never See On The Cover Of Playboy
-Stephanie and Liz walk out on stage...

--People You'll Never See On The Cover Of Playgirl
-Webster, Nebulous, Justice, Liberty & Aaron walk out on stage...

--Modern Additions To The Ten Commandants
-Webster: Thou shalt not make fun of the forum admins...

 

[+paradox]

--People You'll Never See On The Cover Of Playgirl
-Webster, Nebulous, +Justice, Liberty & Aaron walk out on stage...

that is totally debatable...

how dare you not have me in #7!

Couldn't fit you into #7, Justice...you're in #8, though.  

unacceptable...

please continue though...

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #11
--Superman's Secret Thoughts
-Justice: Where's that damn train?!?
-Aaron: Wonder if Batman's shorts ride up?
-Nebulous: Hmm...if I take this coal, I could make a diamond for Jazzy....

--If Celebrities Had Been The First To Walk On The Moon...
-Stephanie: ...one small step for man, one giant leap for me, Stephanie Harrington! *Webster calls out from off-stage, 'Nebulous said celebrities, Steph...'...*
-Nebulous: *climbs down off of lander, starts doing the Moonwalk...*
-Jacob: Dude, where's my car?
-Jazzy: *mimics Carol Channing* ...well, this is as dry & barren as I am!

--Inappropriate Slideshows...
-Doc Leftover: ...and here, Nebulous, is my hernia operation...
-Webster: ...and here's my visit to the Castro, Justice... *Justice backs off in mock horror* ...hey, where ya' going...
-Stephanie: *to Jazzy* ....and this position Liz & I call 'pruning the hibiscus'...

--Like Oklahoma, Musicals About Different U.S. States...
-Webster: Alaska, where it stays light all of the year!
-Stephanie: Utah, where I live with my 28 wives!
-Liberty: Going back to Mississippi, where my cousin is my dad!
-Webster: Hawaii, its' tough to drive there from here!