The Off Topix Whose Line Thread...

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #22
--Unlikely Subjects To Be The Basis For A Musical
-Justice: What's the matter with roadkill?!? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ROADKILL????
-Nebulous: How does food become poo? I'll tell you!
-Jacob: Why do dogs lick themselves?

--Things You Shouldn't Do Last-Minute...
-Webster: Have a good first day at school....daddy's gay!

--Unlikely First Lines Of Medical Ads...
-Nebulous: Ever wonder how food becomes poo?
-Doc Leftover: Been decapitated recently?

--What's Really Going Through President Obama's Mind During Cabinet Meetings....
-Liberty: How can I fuck up the country more than I already have?
-Webster: Which direction is Mecca again?
-Justice: So that's what the Wookie was eating last night?
-Nebulous: So that's where poo comes from...

--What Your Partner Is Saying Right Now...
-Nebulous: I'm happy Webster has big feet....
-Jazzy: Is that Frankie or Brad Pitt?
-Webster: Can that man make love or what?
-Jazzy: I love my husband Frankie...
-Nebulous: I love her husband Frankie...

--Boy Scout Merit Badges We've Never Heard Of
-Jazzy: Table dancing!
-Doc Leftover: Animal genitalia!

--Diet Books That Didn't Fly Off The Shelves...
-Justice: How To Lose Weight By Doc Leftover
-Webster: Eat Yourself Wise By Justice

--Strange 900 Numbers
-Nebulous: Hi, you've reached the animal genitalia hotline...
-Justice: Hi, I love Frankie... *Frankie picks up phone and says 'hello?'...* ...I love Frankie....
-Webster: *in a robotic voice* So you need more gay jokes, Nebulous? Here are some more gay jokes for you, Nebulous...

--Bad Race Horse Names To Bet On...
-Doc Leftover: Go, Gonna' Be Glue! Go, Gonna' Be Glue!
-Jazzy: C'mon, No Legs! C'mon!
-Webster: Go, Nose By A Nose, go!
-Justice: I got $1000 on Ass Backward Liberty!

 

[Webster]

Don't know how you're coming up with all this Webster, but I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! :rolf2:

Such the imagination at play here.

Read some of the latest ones when you get the chance...that's all I'm saying.

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #23
--If Tarzan Had Appeared In Other TV Shows
-Justice: Yes, that my final answer...
-Jimbo: Wha'cha talkin' about, Cheetah?
-Webster: Me want Nebulous off island.... *deadpans* ...its' a Survivor thing!
-Jazzy: Fame! I want to live forever...

--Unusual Phrases To Teach In An English As Second Language Class...
-Sinon: Repeat after me...'Go, Bieber, go!'
-Webster: Everyone repeat...'Would you like to supersize that?'
-Liberty: Repeat after me...'Use your blinker, dickhead!'

--Strange Comments For Your Doctor To Make After 'Turn Your Head & Cough'
-Webster: Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?
-Doc Leftover: Do you smell bacon?
-Justice: Alright, now bend over and sneeze!
-Liberty: Now, here's how you throw a curve...
-Nebulous: Maybe I should turn up the heat in here...

--Things You Can Say About Your Boat, But Not Your Girlfriend...
-Justice: She's riding kinda' low, ain't she?
-Jazzy: yeah, you could put a dozen guys down below...
-Liberty: She's taking on water!!
-Webster: Ahh...nice trim! *points over towards Nebulous* It was his suggestion...
-Nebulous: Nice aft!
-Justice: She's going down!

 

[+paradox]

^ haha! nice...

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #24
--The #1 Thing You Shouldn't Lick
- *Nebulous, Webster, Justice, Liberty, Jacob & Jimbo all walk out on stage with Doc Leftover*

--Alternate Endings To Famous Films
-Stephanie: I love you, Thelma!
-Liz: I love you, Louise! *tries and fails to start getaway car*
-Nebulous: Rosebud's the sled!

--Things That Can Spoil A Date
- *everyone walks out on stage with Doc Leftover*
-Nebulous (w/Jazzy): I once kissed Webster & Justice...

--Nebulous's Recurring Nightmares
-Webster: Webster's coming....here?

--Things You Should Never Ever Say While Making Love...
-Jazzy: Yeah, honey, can you reach over and grab the yeast infection medication, please?
-Nebulous: *yawns* It'll be even better after the operation...

--The First Thing Adam Said To Eve...
-Liberty: *reaches up to his ribcage* Ow!
-Justice: Damn!
-Webster: No, you do not look fat in your leaf...

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #25
--The World's Worst News Anchor
-*everyone drags Doc Leftover out onto the stage*

--Baby Justice's First Words
-Jimbo: Nebulous's the boss!
-Capt. Morgan: Hey nurse, c'mon!
-Jazzy: Pizza!
-Webster: Okay, Stephanie, show me the nipples! C'mon, show me the nipples!

--Things You Might Say About Your Computer, But Not Your Girlfriend...
-Liz: Darn, Stephanie's gone down again...
-Jacob: Damn, she's got a lot of RAM...
-Stephanie: *boing* Man, Liz was easier to get into than I thought...
-Nebulous: Next year, I'm gettin' the trophy model...
-Webster: C'mon, Jazzy, let go of my floppy!

--What You Don't Want To See Tattooed On Your Date...
-Nebulous: Property of San Quentin...
-Jazzy: How'm I doing? Call 555-...
-Capt. Morgan: Legal on ....

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #26
--Naked Photos You Wouldn't Want To See On The Internet
-Jazzy: Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton...
-Webster: *types out* T..h..e..e..z..y... *backs away from monitor in mock horror*
-*everyone drags Doc Leftover out on stage*

--Least Checked-Out Library Books
-Webster: 'How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Doc Leftover...
-Liberty: "My Muslim Roots" by Barack Obama...

--Inappropriate Show-and-Tell Items...
-Justice: I brought a tapeworm... *begins pulling out a worm from his gullet*

--Things You'll Never Hear In A Boxing Ring
-Nebulous: Damn, he's cute...
-Frankie: I'm a white Canadian, I might actually win...

--Unlikely First Lines Of Love Songs....
-Jazzy: It seemed like any other autopsy...
-Capt. Morgan: Ohh, I'm really small down there....

--Rejected Ideas For Off Topix Discussion Community...
-Webster: Nebulous's Love Shack!
-Jaazy: Nebulous's House Payment!

--What Jazzy Is Thinking Right Now...
-Jazzy: Gee, Frankie really is small down there....
-Nebulous: Man, is Webster hot or what?

--Odd Things To See Written On Highway Signs
-Jazzy: Look in your back seat...

--Other Things You Can See From The Moon Besides The Great Wall Of China...
-Webster: Hey, isn't that Doc Leftover's Curmudgeon Streak?

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #27
--What Penguins Are Really Thinking
-Jazzy: Damn, its' cold!
-Bea Sunny: Does this tux make me look fat?
-Justice: One day I'll get that Batman!

--Unlikely Ways To Impress Women
-Doc Leftover: *after several moments* Look, I'm trying!
-Webster: Hey, baby...I work for Nebulous over at Off Topix...
-Justice: As of right now, I'm rash free!
-Icetex: I'm in the transition part of my surgery...
-Justice: I do nature murals with my own crap...

--Bizarre Ways To Describe The Taste Of A Wine...
-Nebulous: This tastes just like one of Justice's murals...

--People You Wouldn't Want To Meet At A Nudist Colony...
-*Nebulous, Webster, Justice & Doc Leftover walk out on stage*

--Strange Things To Do Fundraisers For...
-Justice: Get Nebulous a second forum?
-Jazzy: Bath the whales!

--Things That Would Cause A Nebulous Spit Take...
-*Webster & Jazzy make out on stage*

--Courses At Hillbilly University
-Justice: Yeah, I'm here for Squeal Like A Pig 401...
-Webster: Animal Relations 100

--Nighttime Prayers Of Whose Line Cast Members...
-Jazzy: Please, Lord, don't let Nebulous make me get under that desk again...
-Justice: Jesus, don't let Jazzy knock over the table...
-Webster: Please, God, no more bald jokes from Justice & Nebulous...
-Justice: Please, Lord, stop Webster from getting under Nebulous's desk again...
-Jazzy: Lord, give me ringside seats for when Webster kicks Justice's ass....

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #27
--Disconcerting Tattooed To Find On Your Significant Other...
-Nebulous: Webster lives here...
-Jazzy: How'm I doing? Call 555-...
-Webster: This side up...
-Justice: Property of the Florida Dept. of Corr...

--Unlikely Cowboy Songs
-Webster: Things are great in the city, things are great in the city....
-Liberty: Well, my woman stayed true and I'm sober...
-Doc Leftover: Ohh, I've been on the range 45 days and the cow's looking good to me...
-Justice: Oh, I can't wait to go to Harlem, to go to Harlem...

--The Worst Thing To Find In Your Parachute Pack...
-Justice: Liberty!!!

--Things You Shouldn't Do After Heavy Drinking
-Nebulous (to Jazzy): I love you...
-Webster: Now, where's the next patient to circumcise...
-Bea Sunny: This is your captain speaking...
-Justice: Hi, I'm Nebulous, admin here at Off Topix...

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #28
--Unusual Things For Your Neighbor To Ask To Borrow...
-Webster (to Freezy): Got a spare tinfoil hat?
-Jewel (to Nebulous): Theeze, I need to borrow your husband...
-Freezy (to Liberty): Hi, I need some monkey testicles and a Pepsi...
-Doc Leftover (to Jazzy): I was wondering, can you keep your blinds open an hour or so longer...?

--World's Worst Things To Say To Someone The First Time You See Someone Naked...
-Jazzy: Awwww....that's so small...
-Webster: Oh, that reminds me, my tire needs new treads...
-Jewel: Damn, Jazzy was right, it is small...
-Liberty: Who's Jake? And Phil? And Gary and Howard and Jim and Steve and William and Drew...

--Strange Places For Mr. Rogers To Show Up At...
-Freezy: Welcome to Cinemax After Dark, sir...
-Webster: Alright, Apollo, give it up for Mr. Rogers....!
-Doc Leftover: Well, yes, I'd have to say that is my final answer...
-Nebulous: Looks like I'm going to have to vote Jazzy off the island...

--Unlikely Movie Scenes Done In The Nude...
-Liz: The Hills Are Alive....
-Webster: You lookin' at me?

--The Wrong Thing To Say When Your Girlfriend Is Trying On Clothes...
-Nebulous (to Jewel): Hehehehe...
-Stephanie (to Liz): Well, the Tent & Awning Store is down the way here...
-Freezy (to Jazzy): It would look better on Liz...

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #29
--If Welcome Signs In European Countries Were Truthful..
-Jazzy: Welcome to France, Roll up windows...
-SeasideMike: Welcome to England...good luck finding a dentist!

--Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Grandmother Singing About...
-Jazzy: Grandma likes to get freaky...freaky, freaky, freaky....
-Jewel: Grandpa doesn't touch me anymore...
-Freezy: I put rat poison in the Christmas dinner...
-Liz: I like to be on top...of Steph!

--When Its' Unwise To Say "I Don't Care" To Her...
-Jazzy (to Nebulous): And I'm gonna' name him little Nebulous and I ... *Nebulous replies* ...whatever!

--People You Wish Would Just Shut Up...
-*everyone drags both Webster, Justice & Doc Leftover out on stage*
Doc Leftover: Hi, I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton...

--Men That Women Just Don't Seem To Go For...
-*everyone drags Doc Leftover out on stage*

--Pickup Lines Of The Elderly...
-Nebulous: Wanna' break a hip?
-Justice: I keep my teeth in a glass!
-Stephanie: Why don't'cha touch your toes and grab my breasts?
-Webster: I bet you and me could go through a whole tube of Ben-Gay!

--Things You Shouldn't Joke About With Your Girlfriend's Father...
-Justice: No, really, Mr. Jazzy, your daughter screams like a banshee....

--Difficult Things To Sell Door-To-Door...
-Jazzy (to Webster): Hi, I'm a whore and I was....
-Webster: Anyone want a copy of "Liz & Steph's Home Movies"? *Nebulous yells out from off-stage, 'difficult things, Webby..."

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #29
--Besides Athletic Events & Criminal Getaways, Times When People Run As Fast As They Can
-Nebulous: Jazzy, before I die...give me a big, wet kiss!
-Frankie: Listen, I've got tickets to Justice's Conspiracy Theory Show!
-Webster: Hoedown!?!

--Bad Segues Following Tragic News Stories
-Doc Leftover: And everyone died...speaking of died, has anyone checked out my new book yet...
-Webster: It was a big, big loss...speaking of big, following tonight's news, its' Nebulous's Big House!

--Phrases That Just Don't Sound Right When Spoken By A Cheesy Announcer...
-Webster: Please accept my condolences!
-Nebulous: That's right! I'll respect you in the morning!

--Things You Shouldn't Do While Standing In A Police Lineup
-Justice (to Jazzy): Give me all your money!
-Webster (to Justice): *whispers* You're dead!
-Doc Leftover: *simply looks around and wonders what's going on*

--If Actors Were Completely Honest During Award Ceremonies
-Nebulous: Webster's under my podium...
-Doc Leftover: I'd like to thank The Community for supporting me...
-Justice: Man, you don't know how many pussies I've had my ---- up just to get this!
-Jazzy: You don't know how much of an honor its' been to work with Justice all these years...

--Odd Things For A Lounge Singer To Sing
-Frankie: I passed a stone today...
-Webster: It's time...for a prostate examination!
-Nebulous: Don't stand behind me after I finish those fish tacos...
-Justice: Cannibalism...cannibalism....gotta' go!
-Stephanie: These words, they come so whimsically; I know Liz biblically...
-Doc Leftover: I'd love to see Phyllis Diller in spandex...

 

[Nebulous]

Nice work web!

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #30
--Rejected Songs From The Movie Titanic
-Richard: I love the taste of salt water filling my lungs...
-Jewel: Corpses bobbing in the sea!

--Presidential Slogans That Will Not Get You Elected...
-Freezy: Conspiracy theories, anyone?
-Webster: I love booty!
-Stephanie: I got this tattoo at Camp Leatherneck...
-Richard: I stand today at this podium... *looks underneath* ...yeah, right there, Jazzy.....ohhh!
-Liberty: Hello, I'm Jesse Jackson...

--Losing Science Fair Projects...
-Freezy: Dirty bombs, anyone?
-Richard: Some people say that cats aren't flammable...well?
-Doc Leftover: ...pull my finger!

--Celebrity Endorsements Doomed To Fail
-Nebulous: Hi, I'm Bruce Jenner for Frederick's of Hollywood...
-Doc Leftover: I'm Phyllis Diller for Spandex..
-Liberty: I'm Mike Tyson for Encyclopedia Britannica...
-Doc Leftover: *after a few moments* I forgot what the hell I was selling...
-Freezy: Hi, I'm Justice for Trojan Condoms...

--Drill Sergeant Pickup Lines..
-Nebulous (to Freezy): Boy, you ever touch a rifle? *after a few moments* Wanna' touch mine?
-Webster (to a group of forum members): I just want to stand here and stare at my privates!

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #31
--What The Queen of England's Thinking As She's Greeting People In The Waiting Line
-Liberty: ...pull my finger..
-Jazzy: Who got kicked off the island this week?

--What Lassie Was Really Trying To Tell Everyone
-Richard: I gotta' pee, man!! I gotta' pee!!
-Nebulous: I'm in heat, get me a poodle!
-Jewel: The square root of nine is three!
-Webster: Who let me out? Woof, woof, woof...

--People You Wouldn't Want To Go Out On An Intergalactic Trip With
-*everyone drags Doc Leftover out on stage*

--If Songs Were Written About Life's Embarrassing Moments...
-Jacob: Why can't I control my bowels...?
-Nebulous: I love you so much, my boyfriend...and I can't get it up tonight!
-Webster: Hey, that's me with the booger in my nose, the booger in my nose! Hey, that's me with the booger in my nose...
-Richard (to Jazzy): We made love at 5:06...and we were done by 5:07...
-Freezy: Hey, I didn't mean to cook your dog! But, hey, those things just happen...

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #32
--Bad Times To Be Distracted By Another Woman
-Stephanie (to Liz): Sweetheart, I love you forever and... *Stephanie starts watching Jazzy walk across the stage...* ...Liz (to Stephanie): Steph?!?

--Making Mundane Instructions Sound Sexy...
-Webster (in a seductive voice): There's four emergency exits...two in the front, two in the rear...oh, yeah.
-Nebulous: This next game's called Dating Service Videos...

--What President Obama Is Thinking In The Oval Office When No One's Around...
-Liberty: Which direction's Mecca?
-Webster: How can I continue screwing over the American people?

--Things You Can Say About The Food You Eat, But Not About Your Girlfriend
-Richard: Breasts, breasts, breasts? I'm sick of breasts? Where are the thighs?
-Freezy: Everything tastes better on a Ritz...
-Nebulous: These pies are incredibly small...
-Jazzy: Whew...these goes down good!

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #33
--Songs That Killed The Romance
-Richard: Ooooh, Jazzy, after we make love--; zzzzzz....
-Nebulous: My God, your thighs are big!
-Webster: I've got a cigar!!

--Things Not To Bring Into The Bathtub
-Freezy: Okay, where's that hair dryer?
-Doc Leftover: Nice bath and some toast...

--Confusing Battle Cries...
-Freezy: I'mmma hurt you!
-Jacob: Don't shoot until you see the whites!
-Doc Leftover: Give me liberty or a bran muffin!
-Liberty: Bring me my brown pants!
-Webster: Every last one of us will defend the Castro.. *looks around* ...where'd everyone go?

--Albums Doomed To Be Flops
-Freezy: Ooooh! Jar-Jar Binks Sings The Blues!

--Least Likely To Win The 2016 Presidential Race
-Freezy: Oooh! Jar-Jar Binks For President...
-Liberty: I taste like citrus, but I'm not!

--The Stupidity Awards Show
-Jazzy: I'd like to accept this EMS award for all the drunks I rescue every shift!
-Liberty: I cannot accept this award until the wall that divides Berlin comes down...

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #34
--If Famous Movie Lines Included Product Plugs
-Richard: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Spam!
-Webster: I'll be back..to Burger King!
-Jewel: E.T., phone 1-800-...it's cheaper rates!
-Nebulous: Rosebud...the last word in sleds!

--What Cows Are Thinking When They're Being Milked
-Doc Leftover: *walks out on stage and just stands curmudgeonly* ..I can't believe they're going to drink that crap...
-Nebulous: Ohhhh....just keep doing that, Jazzy....
-Webster: ...first time this guy's seen a bull?

--Entries In Webster's Diary...
-Stephanie: ...a three-way involving me, Liz and Jazzy....
-Nebulous: Webster looked at me that way again...

--Inappropriate Elementary School Field Trips...
-Doc Leftover: Welcome to the Mustang Range, kids!

--Weird Places To Find Advertising...
-Richard (looking at Jazzy): ...now accepting instruction...
-Webster (while standing at a urinal): ...aim here?

--Little-Known Facts About Webster...
-Nebulous: His other nickname is John Holmes?!?
-Freezy: When I'm having sex, I go "Whhhoooooo..."...
-Liberty: Did you know he was once an integral part of the cast of We Are the Walking Dead? (to which Webster whispers, '---- you, Liberty!"... )

--Inappropriate Emergency Calls To Make To 911
-Freezy: Whhhhoooooooo....
-Nebulous: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?!?
-Liz: Hello...is this the Psychic Hotline?
-Freezy: Emergency operator? Hi, is this Jazzy there?...

--Bad Things To Say After Making Love
-Richard (to Jazzy): Ooohh...you're just like a Tele-Tubby!
-Stephanie (to Liz): I still can't believe Webster abandoned us over at We Are The Walking Dead....then again, you do look like Valentino....
-Nebulous (to his BF): Well, you're no John Holmes...

 

[Webster]

Scenes From A Hat #35
--The Secret Double Lives Of Off Topix Forum Members
-...and now, live at Showgirls, Doc Leftover!
-Liberty: Hi, Doc, I'm Freezy!

--Posts You'll Never See On A Church Bulletin Board
-Webster: ...a Drunken Gay Alter Orgy at 10am Sunday?
-Jewel: No collection this week?
-Jazzy: He has come & gone?!?...ahhh, Richard!

--Hobbies Of The Stupid
-Liberty: Freezy's Conspiracy Theories!

--America's Least Popular Monuments
-Doc Leftover: ...and here's a monument to Barack Obama....
-Sinon: Over here, folks, is the Statue of Puberty!
-Nebulous: Ladies and gentlemen, Viagra Falls!

--What Supermodels Say To Each Other As They Pass One Another On The Catwalk...
-Freezy: I ate a piece of lettuce, I feel so sick!
-Webster: Did you see Nebulous on Whose Line? He's so cute!
-Nebulous: Guess what? I kept some food down today...
-Karrit: *crick* My back just broke...
-Jazzy: I'm lost, I'm lost! I don't know where I'm going...

--Documentaries That Never Made It To Air...
-Valentino: Today I'm going to show you how to catch a bullet.... *falls as if struck by a bullet*